pregnancy weight loss immediately after delivery | 7 Ways Im Staying Sane During a Pregnancy After Loss

pregnancy weight loss immediately after delivery

You know how I wrote this post about how Im feeling a million times better? Well, apparently that was just a momentary lull, because the depression and anxiety are back and just as bad as before. So, theres that. But, Im surviving and Im working really hard to take care of myself, address these issues head on, and cope with them in healthy ways. Here are a few things Im doing to that end:

1. Shopping. Ok, the title on this one makes it sound like Im heading out every day for some retail therapy with credit card in hand and thats totally inaccurate. True to my cheap thrifty self, Im scouring Craigs List and garage sales and consignment sales and reading all the baby deal blogs to get the best prices on the baby items. And since we got rid of most of our baby stuff, I do have a substantial number of things that I need to get, though Im going to be much more minimalistic about baby this time. I know its still early and we have plenty of time to get what we need but shopping early 1) gives me plenty of time to find the things we need at a great price and, more importantly, 2) gives me something to do for my baby.

Ive had a very, very hard time connecting to the baby this time. Partly, Im sure, as a defense mechanism in case we lose this baby too. (The chances for a living baby at this point are great, but there is still that doubt, you know?) Part of it though is because Im still grieving the babies we lost and its very hard to celebrate this baby at the same time, especially since this baby only exists because they died. Im really hoping this will get better since we finally passed our last due date. In the meantime, while I cant seem to emotionally connect with baby, Im doing what I can do for the baby.

2. Laundry. Ive been washing baby clothes, blankets, and accessories and putting them in drawers. Ive also been cleaning out and rearranging Lucias closet so there is room for neatly folded newborn items. With about three months to go, its really early have drawers already filled with clean, folded baby clothes but again, I need to feel like Im doing something for baby. I also think its helpful for me to be surrounded by visible changes that a baby is coming - drawers filled with tiny onesies and cloth diapers, the crib set up, etc. Despite being visibly pregnant now and constantly feeling the baby kick, its still very hard for me to visualize having a baby in a few short months. It just doesnt seem possible that well have a living child and be able to bring him/her home. So making the house look like there will be a baby here soon makes it seem a little more conceivable.

3. Staying busy. This is so, so important for me. When my body is busy moving, my mind doesnt have too much time to wander. And thankfully, there is a TON to do, so its not hard to find ways to keep busy. Im still working on getting settled into my parents house, organizing and decorating our rooms so we feel at home, and doing other projects around the house to make it more comfortable. With three full time working adults in the home, Ive been taking over most of the day to day housekeeping, which really does pile up with that many adults - there is especially an absurd amount of dishes to do every day. Lucia and I have also been taking walks every day to play at the playground at the school in the neighborhood and weve started going to story time at the library and finding other free summer activities to do. If I collapse into bed exhausted at night, I fall asleep quicker and dont have time to dwell on irrational fears. Plus, the feeling of accomplishment when I see everything thats been done has been wonderful for my self-esteem.

4. Taking care of myself. Eating healthy, exercising, chiropractic care, taking baths, resting when Im tired, etc. When I take a little time to care for myself and physically feel well, I feel a lot better mentally as well.  This pregnancy has been more more physically trying than my first and, while its all within the range of "normal" pregnancy symptoms, the increased tiredness and aches and pains do increase my worries.

My pregnancy with Lucia was textbook perfect and, other than morning sickness in the first trimester and heartburn in the third, I felt amazing the whole time. Feeling physically well certainly helped to assure me that my body was made for this and that trust that my body knew what it was doing made for a very worry-free nine months. After four miscarriages, my belief that my body knows what its doing and can adequately protect and nourish my child in the womb is pretty well gone. Add to that the increased symptoms, discomfort, and outright pain of this pregnancy, and the thought that maybe my bodys too broken to bring any more child to term emerges. So, when I take the time to adequately address my symptoms and I start feeling better, I also start feeling a lot more confident and the ( very irrational but ever-present) fears of preterm labor are pushed a little further back in my bind.

5. Researching. Reading about miscarriage, pregnancy after loss, depression during pregnancy, my chances for having a healthy full-term pregnancy, survival rate if my baby was born right now, etc.  have been really helpful to me. I know this isnt the case for everyone, but for me, being knowledgeable and feeling informed about the situations I find myself in is empowering. Its probably not at all obvious by the content of this blog since I tend to write about feelings and emotions and then some more feelings, but Im actual much more of a logical than an emotional person. Facts appeal to me, even if they arent exactly comforting. Knowing what Im facing takes much of the mystery out of the battle, so reading articles and books chock full of research findings has a calming effect on me.

6. Reading. Im not just reading research articles, but also just reading for fun. Books are my favorite escape and sometimes I just need that down time.  A few of my recent favorites include this modern classic, this farming memoir (a surprising page turner!), and Im currently enjoying this quirky romance.

7. Relying on the prayers of others. Id love to say one of the ways Im coping is through prayer, but Ive found it to be super difficult to pray during this pregnancy. I force myself to pray anyway but there just isnt a lot of comfort there. I dont feel like my relationship with God has changed much through my experiences with miscarriage - I dont blame Him, I am not angry with Him, but at the same time, I dont think Im closer to Him or rely on him more - but Ive really struggled with my understanding of prayer.

I have a hard time understanding why we pray for specific petitions. (Surely God knows what we need better than we anyway so why bother asking for what we want with our very limited knowledge and eternal understanding?). After praying four times that our baby would live and then then having them die anyway, I dont really understand why this would be any different - why would God answer this prayer now but not the last four times? I know that the death of our children werent Gods doing, but simple biology - something was wrong with my body - so it seems like this baby will live or die based on biology too. Certainly God can change an outcome, but I believe He rarely intervenes in the natural world (thats why when he does, it is called a miracle, something very out of the ordinary). Why would He suddenly intervene for me in this matter? (Not looking for answers here, just sharing some of my thought process.)

Prayer has been a struggle for me and not much of a comfort. But I take a lot of comfort from the prayers of others. I do believe that prayer is powerful even if I do not currently understand how or why and while my belief in prayer is a bit shaky, I am leaning on the strong belief of others around me that their prayers for me, my baby, and my family are reaching the ears of a loving Father. When my own prayers seem weak and ineffective, Im letting the prayers of others lift me up.

Linking up to Kelly for 7 Quick Takes, even though most werent really quick.

Image source: Bies, Flickr

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baby lose weight during growth spurt | Before After Success Story Jenna of Small Fry Blog

baby lose weight during growth spurt

Ive been pestering my friend Jenna (of Small Fry Blog) to allow me to post about her weight loss and fit-lifestyle gain for awhile now and she finally gave in!  Shes a mom to two precious boys and looks younger than ever.  Im so proud of her and thrilled that she is allowing me to share her story with you all here.

Not only does she look amazing, Jenna feels better than ever after making some serious changes to her diet and embracing a lifestyle of exercise.  I think there is nothing better than REAL LIFE examples of regular women who are committed to changing their health for the better and then get to show off their results as a testimony to the sweat and hard work it took to get there.

Im motivated and encouraged by her and I hope you will be too.

Here are Jennas BEFORE & AFTER photos and her story in her own words below.  

Ive always been "fit." As in, Ive always worked out at the gym & felt guilty when I ate a whole plate of brownies. I never would have considered myself overweight but just your average size 8-10 girl, 55, 145 pounds. 

I got pregnant with my first son Quinn, and after a miscarriage and some bed rest issues, I found I had gained a solid 45 pounds. No worries though because nursing will FOR SURE take it all off! Lies! (At least for me.) I discovered that my body more easily wanted to hang on to the weight than lose it while I was nursing. I was ravenously hungry and filling myself with anything I could find to stay full and happy! I worked out occasionally, tormented myself with P90X, and wished to be skinnier. I lost everything but 10 pounds by the time another baby was to come two years later.

Pregnant with my second boy Jude, with a bit more experience under my belt, I tried a little bit harder. I definitely was more conscious, and knew that the weight wouldnt just miraculously fall off after his birth. I only gained 30 lbs but with the additional 10 I had held on to previously, I was sitting on a lot of extra weight, and a lot of bad habits. The second he was born I knew it was time to change. 

Initially I signed up for Weight Watchers because they have a nursing program and I actually REALLY loved this program. It was perfect for me, and I got enough food to keep my supply up for my baby but at the same time was conscious of portion control. It was the beginning for me, at the age of 27, of finally being conscious and present in what Im eating. I had never known before this program how much of my eating was out of boredom. At this time I was also working out at the gym quite regularly, doing pump classes or running. 

At four months post partum I weighed 153 lbs and was 26% body fat. At this point I was introduced to the world & culture of Crossfit. As much as it is a trend now, when I started I was one of the only women I knew of my friends who did it, and it was terrifying. I had never put any weight (literally) in strength training & all the olympic style heavy lifts were very intimidating for me. I remember sitting in my car before class, and giving myself a pep talk to go inside. Which is so not like me as Im a very social person, but like I said this atmosphere was so foreign and new to me at first - and completely terrifying! It took one week for me to fall in love with Crossfit, one month to become obsessed, and a couple months to see the difference in my body. Id lost 12 additional pounds and weighed 141 & was comfortably a size 6. I ran a half marathon, excelled in crossfit and generally just felt alive again! 

It was ineviteble for me to be introduced to the world of Paleo shortly after the world of Crossfitting. But of course I was working out harder than I ever had in my life so surely I did not need to adjust my eating :) I was definitely making better choices; oatmeal, whole grain toast and salads but there was something about this challenge I wanted to take on. So I started. The withdrawals were outrageous, and I found myself declining lunch dates with friends because I knew full well I couldnt control myself there. It was a whole new world of lean meats, sweet potatoes, fish, and considering pineapple a dessert. This was when the most change happened, in my opinion. While I only lost 10 pounds in 60 days of being 100% paleo, I lost 5% more body fat taking me down to 16% and lost over 10 inches taking me down to a size 4. I learned to take my focus off the scale, its results could never compare to the leaps and bounds I was making in body fat and inches. Ive never felt better than when Im following the guidelines of Paleo. Its not for everyone, and I now follow the 85/15 rule to allow for some fun every now and then. To me living 85% paleo isnt so much a diet as it is a lifestyle. 

Besides the fact that I feel great in my clothes, (although Im always wanting and challenging myself for more body change. I dont think Ill ever be an "after", Ill never stop looking for ways to challenge myself and improve my health!), Ive found that a healthy lifestyle has made me a better person, wife, and mother. Im happier, more energetic, excited about life, and confident! All these changes result in a happier, healthier home for our family. 

* * * * * 

It can be scary to share yourself so openly in such a public format.  If her story resonated with or encouraged you, please leave a comment so that she knows she has helped someone. - Megan

If YOU have a BEFORE & AFTER success story you are willing to share, please send it my way.  Id love to feature you here!

You can email me at:  honeywerehealthyblog@gmail.com

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reasons for weight loss during pregnancy | Heart Thoughts on Motherhood

reasons for weight loss during pregnancy

Its hitting me. The reality that this new, small soul is mine. Around 5 am, as Cedar finished up his early morning and very sleepy feeding, I couldnt put him down. My body longed for those extra 2 hours of sleep that I knew it would get if I laid him back in his co-sleeper. But, my eyes couldnt leave his face and my arms wouldnt let go. I sat there for almost an hour, staring at him and his dreaming smiles. I put my face to his cheek, as his tiny breaths kissed my cheek thinking, "is this love even for real?"

Now, when I nurse Cedar, hell stop for a moment, look at me and smile. I cant help but soak up these moments. Every morning, without fail, his expressions are full of wonder. Its as if he realizes how long he has been asleep and he cant wait to have open eyes again, discovering exciting things like the ceiling fan and his brother zooming toys in front of his face. haha. He wants to stand up constantly, bobbing his head around trying to look ever which way. Ah! Ive probably kissed him over a thousand times since hes been born, I cant help it. Ive stood in front of my old, gold mirror, countless times as Ive held him,  just so I could stare at his dreamy face, all smooshed up against my chest. These are days that Ive been dreaming of for years. Sometimes, I have to stand back and acknowledge the moment before is passes by.

Samuel said this to me after we got engaged, "Lets promise each other that no matter what, we wont lose the wonder that we have for each other." That has been a pillar in my heart and its taken weight into my momma heart as well. In the moments, when one child is whining and the other crying, where a shower is my only form of alone time and a greek yogurt in a nursing bra and yoga pants is my only real meal of the day...not to lose the wonder of my boys and wonder of being their safe place.

In weeks like this, when Ive had bright days and cloudy ones, my heart is gripped with this truth, motherhood is a sacred and beautiful gift. Its a messy one, a painful one, its tiring and beyond beautiful...it breaks your heart and then heals it. It has made me more alive to love and the beauty of vulnerability. Im saying that in the "infant" stages, if you will, of my journey as a momma, knowing that Ive barely skimmed the surface of what being a mom truly means. There are millions of moments that my heart has yet to experience, laughs it hasnt seen, tears it hasnt cried and wisdom its waiting to learn.

I love being a momma.

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kendra pregnancy weight lost | Someone is Missing

kendra pregnancy weight lost

Theres something different about this pregnancy. (Other than the fact that Ive made it past 10 weeks.) Were coming up on the first anniversary of our first miscarried childs due date (the time in which our little one would have been celebrating his or her first birthday). Which means that its perfectly possible that I could be pregnant with this baby right now even had that baby lived. He/she would have been nine months when we conceived this time, 18 months when this baby is due, and thats well within the time frame of "possible". We could be expecting our third living child right now instead of our second. And there is something about that realization that is just crushing.

With each of our last three pregnancies, there was always that bittersweet knowledge that all our babies had to die for the newest baby to live. But now that weve gotten to a point where our current child could coexist with one of the babies we lost, there is a whole new pain involved. I guess there was a part of me that accepted the losses easier knowing that because they happened, they allowed us the gift of another child. Every time Im confronted with a new pregnancy, there has been a kind of choice - I could have had one of the children we lost or we could have our current child, but we could only ever have one. But losing our second child didnt really make this child possible - for the first time, there is a scenario in which not only one was possible, but two. I know I should be grateful for all the children in between, because even if they are not here with us, they are eternal souls. But Im not really there yet.  All I can think is that our second child could be here and this one inside of me could both be here and for once, there wouldnt be a need to choose.

I thought I had accepted and made peace with our losses, at least the first few, but Im starting to wonder if maybe Ill never really find peace with them. I guess what peace I did find was conditional, a peace based on the idea that our baby died so others can live and when that reality didnt material, the peace it supported shattered. Why did our second child have to die? What good has come from it? Why cant he/she be here now, rejoicing with the rest of our family at the new pregnancy and new sibling? (As much as a 10 month old can rejoice at those things, right?) Today, Im feeling like someone is missing more than ever.

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intentional weight loss during pregnancy | Pregnancy Journeys After Loss

intentional weight loss during pregnancy

Hi!
Just starting this whole blog thing, not sure how good Ill be at it. I lost my son Solomon to pprom resulting in his stillbirth on March 8, 2000. I had a myriad of physical and mental healing to do. The physical was easier. We got pregnancy again 4 months later and we lost that to blighted ovum. Two month after that, pregnancy #3. I held my breath, pretended to be happy and endured mental hell for 9 months until Alison was born at 38 weeks. A big beautiful 8 pounds 2 ounce bundle. Oops, 11 months later we are pregnant again. Adam was born 19-1/2 months after Alison. A physically wonderful pregnancy until *boom* preterm labor and 11 weeks of terbutaline and bedrest. Two cerclages, two c-sections.

Now I speak at pregnancy loss groups, pregnancy after loss groups, have been involved in program planning for the First Candle/SIDS Alliance and International Stillbirth Alliance conference in DC in September 2005. And I wrote and edited a book, "Journeys: Stories of Pregnancy After Loss." A compilation by 11 authors of loss stories coupled with pregnancy after loss stories. Hopefully it will be a comfort to those finding themselves *SPALS*

Warmly,
Amy
www.PregnancyJourneysAfterLoss.com
"The birth of a child isnt always a nine-month process.

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hypothyroidism pregnancy weight loss | Trigger Warnings

hypothyroidism pregnancy weight loss

A sweet friend of mine (Kendra of Catholic All Year) recently warned me that the new Sherlock Holmes movie, Mr. Holmes, features a prominent miscarriage story line that may be difficult for some to watch. She also said the movie, which stars Ian McKellen as an old Holmes, was really well-done. Ill probably watch it (eventually, when it comes out on video - getting to the movie theatre is a rare occurrence for me) but I cannot explain how much that warning means to me. I dont outright avoid movies, books, or other media that contain elements of pregnancy loss (in many ways, I often find the inclusion of them to be very validating), but I do like the ability to prepare myself beforehand. Its the element of surprise that makes those scenes so difficult to handle.

Perhaps youve heard the term "trigger warning" before. Thats exactly what Im talking about - a warning of the presence of a certain topic that may trigger a strong emotional reaction. My triggers are pregnancy and infant loss and, to some extent, infertility. Perhaps those are your triggers too, or maybe they are cancer, or sexual abuse, or domestic abuse, or divorce, or death of a parent, or any great number of things.

Knowing and understanding your triggers is important. It does not make you weak to know what you should avoid, or what you should only confront after preparation and in certain cultivated circumstances. You are honoring yourself when you acknowledge and adequately address (even completely avoid) the topics that have the ability to distress you.

Last summer, I was in a very vulnerable state. Id gone through my second miscarriage in February and we were actively trying to conceive again, with nothing to show for our efforts but negative pregnancy tests and tears. And it seemed that EVERY. SINGLE. book, movie, or TV show I watched quite unexpectedly included pregnancy or infant loss in the plot line. It got to the point where I started writing them down because it was just absurd how many their were: (Amazon affiliate links below)

The Help, Downton Abbey, Gran Hotel

The Duchess, Annes House of Dreams, The Tudors, Whered You Go Bernadette

This was within a month, folks. A month! Three books, three TV shows, and a movie. None of which I had any clue would have any baby loss story line, but it was in each and every one. Some had not much more than a short scene or brief background story, but it was there all the same, startling me to my core. And the thing is, each of these was pretty great, Id recommend anyone watch/read them (well, except maybe the Tudors - the sex scenes in that one were a little too much for me so I only made it a few episodes in). Im sure I would have watched or read them anyway even if I had known they contained loss BUT I wouldnt have watched them that summer. Or one right after another. Or without a bit of forethought and preparation. Or with people other than my husband. I would have cushioned them between light, bright little comedies and feel-good stories.

Im not quite sure how to avoid something like this in the future. Do I go on Wikipedia and read the detailed plot before I watch any movie or read any book? I frequently do this for movies and books anyway and dont really mind the spoilers BUT there is no guarantee if its a more minor element that it will even be included in the plot summary. I dont think Ill quite go to those lengths, but I do appreciate a heads-up from my friends and I do keep my ears open for any potential "trigger warnings".

I asked on my Facebook page about any other movies, books, or television shows that have pregnancy or infant loss and for you, dear readers, here are some other trigger warnings:

(many episodes of) Call the Midwife, House M.D. and Law & Order SVU
Up
Graceland
Labor Day
What to Expect When Youre Expecting

Feel free to leave any youve encountered in the comments as a trigger warning to others.

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baby jaundice weight lose | Naming a Miscarried Baby

baby jaundice weight lose

Its a fairly common practice for parents to name the children theyve lost to miscarriage. Its certainly a matter of personal preference (please do not feel that you arent properly honoring your child or grieving appropriately if you decide not to name your child) but for many parents, it helps them connect with and find closure after the loss of their child. In many families, especially the Catholic families Im familiar with, miscarried children are talked about often, prayed for (and to, since we have reason to believe that they are in heaven and therefore can watch out and pray for us), and its easier to do these things if the children have names. I previously wrote about how we chose a name for our daughter and for the first two children we lost and Ive decided to share an update of that post with the names of the last two children I miscarried.

Ive always been a bit of a name junky (Im currently addicted to the Catholic naming blog Sancta Nomina) so the process of choosing our childrens names is one that is done with a lot of thought, prayer, and love. It meant so much to me that even though we lost four of our children so very young and will never get to experience the typical parenting moments with them as we will with our living child, I was still able to give them their names. It is one of the only ways that Ive been able to truly mother those babies.

Lucia Rose, born December 2011

Since we didnt find out whether Lucia was a boy or girl, we had to have two names at the ready.  The boys name was picked out before we were even pregnant (and in some ways before I even met my husband).  The girls name was much harder to nail down since it seemed David and I had opposite taste in names.  (We have since resolved our differences and have 3-4 girls names already picked out, in order, for future daughters.) My main choice for name inspiration was a book of women Saints that I owned.  I would thumb through the pages looking for names that I liked and only read the corresponding story if I felt the name was "in the running".  There were several names that were clearly not going to happen, like Hedwig and Hildegarde, but anything I half liked I ran by David and 99% he turned down on the spot.  Very early on, two front runners emerged: Alena and Lucia.  Alena was actually the favorite for quite some time and I cant remember why we decided on Lucia instead, but we did so somewhere between 20 and 30 weeks.  Lucias name is equally in honor of St. Lucy and Sr. Lucia of Fatima as my husband has a great devotion to Our Lady of Fatima.  Her middle name, Rose, was decided from the very beginning.  It is my middle name and a dear aunts middle name in honor of my great grandmother, Rosa. 

Francis Michael, miscarried October 2013

After my miscarriage in October 2013, several people urged us to name the baby.  It took a week or so before we felt comfortable with doing so.  Naming a miscarried child seemed so different than naming a living one.  We had names picked out for our next child before this one was even conceived, but it didnt feel right to use either one of them.  I know many parents feel comfortable giving the child a gender specific name based on their gut instincts, but I didnt have any feelings about the babys gender and was wrong with my gut instinct that Lucia was a boy, so we decided to choose a gender neutral name.  Searching "gender neutral Saint names" doesnt come up with many results, but I immediately found one that I loved: Francis.  Although more commonly associated with boys, Frances is a common enough girls name and St. Frances Cabrini is one of my favorite Saints.  The biggest decision we had to make was which spelling to use.  While researching the name, I found a source that said that until the last few centuries, both spellings were used interchangeably for boys and girls, so we simply went with the one that was most aesthetically appealing to me.  We chose the middle name Michael after the Archangel.  When I think of this baby, I think of the baby being either "my Frank or Frannie" and joyfully look forward to the day when I find out which nickname fits.

Julian Gabriel, miscarried February 2014

This may sound a bit strange, but I already chosen a name for our second miscarried child before I was even pregnant with him/her.  It was a gender neutral name that would only be used for another lost baby.  Not that I necessarily expected to miscarry again (and I truly did not think I would miscarry twice in a row) but it was a name that I came across when I was looking for a name for Francis and tucked away as another favorite.  It feels a bit odd to give a child a specific name because he/she passed before birth while we would have given that same child a different name had he/she been born.  But at the same time, we feel blessed to be able to do the only thing we can do to parent this child other than conception: name him/her.  We chose the name Julian Gabriel.  Julian, while usually considered masculine, is the name of many Catholic Saints, and the female Julian of Norwich (who though not canonized is often revered as a Saint).  Gabriel, like the middle name we chose for Francis, is in honor of the Archangel.

Adrienne Rafael, miscarried October 2014
Like with Julian, I also had some ideas in mind of names to use if I miscarried again before I even knew this little one existed. I suppose after two miscarriages and one live birth, it starts to feel like a loss is more likely (statistically, its not). Our third miscarriage was a very early "chemical pregnancy" so we werent sure I was even pregnant until I no longer was. We debated a little bit about whether we would name the baby or whether we would even count it as a pregnancy/loss but ultimately decided that our belief that life starts at conception meant we wouldnt treat this child any different than we did the babies we lost later on. I started to feel like we were running out of blatantly Catholic, gender neutral names, but I had a short list left and Adrian was on it. Since Francis and Julian are more masculine in appearance, we decided on the feminine spelling Adrienne. Again, Rafael is for the Archangel and we chose that spelling because I love the Spanish language and prefer the pronunciation (rah-fiy-EHL) that is similar to the Spanish.

Christian Michael, miscarried December 2014
After we lost our last baby, I had a hard time coming up with any name ideas. There are some more available that fit the Saint/biblical and gender neutral categories (see below) but I couldnt seem to find one that fit for our baby. I dont know why I initially thought of Christian, but once I did, it just seemed right. Although usually a boys name, I worked with a girl named Christian in college so it has a very gender neutral feel to me. We were short-sighted (or maybe it was just wishful thinking) when we decided to use the names of the Archangels as middle names for our miscarried babies since there are only three named Archangels. It didnt feel right to break with the tradition, so we decided to cycle back through and used Michael again.




A few of the ideas that we didnt use (yet) but might be helpful for couples searching for gender neutral Catholic names: 

Jean - in English, its a girls name; in French, its the male name John
Jordan - for the Jordan River
Valentine
Alex - for Alexander or Alexandra, or you could maybe even the full name Alexis - Im familiar with it as a girls name, but apparently its a boys name too
Hilary - for the male St. Hilary, though its more often a female name now
Karol/Carol - for St. John Paul II whose name was Karol Wojtyla
Aaron/Erin/Aeron
Andy - for Andrew or Andrea - or even the full Andrea since it is a boys name in other cultures, like singer Andrea Bocelli
Remy
Quinn - for Ven. Edel Quinn
Noel - means "Christmas" in French
Jude
Ariel - one of names for Jerusalem, probably most well known as The Little Mermaid, it can also be a boys name like Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon

For more ideas, see Kates post at Sancta Nomina. If none of these names work for you, (affiliate link) The Catholic Baby Name Book may be another helpful resource. If you have any other ideas, please leave them in the comments and Id be happy to add them to the list!

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post pregnancy weight loss c section | Before After with Andrea from Worley House

post pregnancy weight loss c section

Andrea of Worley House is sharing her weight loss success story with us today.  Im super proud of this girl.  She lost 68 pounds by eating healthy and working out AT HOME.  If you have weight to lose, take heart, Andrea saw big improvements in just three months!  Shes got two kids (one my sons age) and a younger one as well.  Please leave Andrea a comment on this post so that she knows she has inspired you.  Its brave of her to share her story!  Also, check out her blog- I think youll like it! 

Hi Honey Were Healthy Readers! My name is Andrea Worley, I blog over at my little slice of the Internet called Worley House! Im so honored that Megan asked me to share a bit of my story here, on a topic I never thought Id ever share about; weight loss and becoming healthy. 

I had my second baby in December 2012, my pregnancy with #2 was much harder on my body, I gained about the same amount of weight that I did with my first but I was already over weight and not very healthy when I got pregnant the second time around. So I think that those things combined with a difficult pregnancy added to my discomfort. 

On delivery day I weighed in at 190 pounds. I knew that some of that weight was baby, excess water and fluids. Couple weeks after having my second baby I weighed myself, 168 pounds on my 52 frame. At that point I knew that I needed to change a lot of habits if I wanted to lose the weight and become healthy. 

I started working out and changing what I was eating. I dont have a gym membership, Im just a woman and a mother using what she has to make her life healthier and better. I dusted off my DVD of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and used it daily. Well past the 30 days. It was 20 minutes, but certainly not easy for me. It was a great starting point, and I knew I needed to make time for myself if I was going to reach my goals.

I set small goals for myself when I first started losing weight. I also started tracking everything I ate through My Fitness Pal. This was a good visual for me to see the calories I was consuming. To learn portion control and because I was still breast feeding as well I needed to make sure I was eating enough calories to still produce and not reduce my supply. 

After three months of eating well and daily exercise.

After three months of eating well and daily exercise I started to see some major results. It gave me to motivation to keep going and set new goals. My healthy lifestyle change has spilled over into every area of my life and to my family. 

I started drinking tons and tons of water. I believe water intake is huge for weight loss and flushing out your system. I omitted all dairy from my diet as well, started cutting out sweets and sugary drinks. I also eat five small meals a day. My diet is mostly clean, and when I say that I mean I am human. I have a cookie sometimes. I strive for consistency in this- not perfection. 

Once I started making changes to my eating habits and working out I noticed right away that I was sleeping better and easier at night. The headaches that I was getting often were gone, and over all I had a better outlook on life and on myself. 

I also believe that my lifestyle change also helped get me out of my post baby funk. My whole outlook changed. 

The picture on the left is my "before" picture taken in May 2013, and the one on the right was taken at the end of October 2013. Im down 68 pounds now and have reached the goal weight that I wanted to be at.

I believe in always setting new goals for yourself, stretching yourself and making your body work for you and not against you. I still work out daily, I do videos from the comfort of my own home and have now added running into my workouts. Ive learned that food is fuel for your body. Its not supposed to make you feel good about yourself, or make you happy. The purpose of food is to nourish our bodies and allow it to do what God created it to do. I really believe you have to change your outlook on food as well.

Almost a year into my fitness journey, Ive met some of my original goals. Its time to make new ones and always continue to thrive in living a healthy life. Im looking forward to running my first 5K ever this March. Dont give up if you dont see results immediately, change takes time. Your body didnt get where its at over night, so give yourself time to makes the right and healthy changes.

If youre wanting to make a change I encourage you to just start, theres never going to be a "perfect day" to start or a perfect month. Once you start you will never regret it. Once you start to see your body change you wont regret it either. Its easier to not work out, I believed this for far to long but once I started making changes in my habits it gave me a new outlook as well. And, I wont lie it feels pretty great to have nothing that fits and your pants be a little looser than before. Its a great perk!

Thanks Megan for letting me share today! If youre looking for more tips, encouragement and motivation visit me over on my blog, find me on Facebook ,  Twitter or Instagram @worleyhouse.

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weight loss journey during pregnancy | Im happy to be pregnant but I dont want to talk about it

weight loss journey during pregnancy

This week, I got together with several women from church for a tea party for our preschooler girls. I was asked many times about my pregnancy and how Im feeling. Which was very thoughtful. But Im sure I came off as so rude in return. Im uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy and I imagine the other women thought I was being terse and cold. I just cant small talk about pregnancy anymore. But for most moms, thats probably a hard concept to grasp. After all, I am currently pregnant and everything seems to be going well. Whats the harm in talking about it?

For other women chatting about where theyre going to give birth might be a casual conversation, but it requires me to assume that I will indeed be giving birth to a child at the end of this pregnancy and I cant go there quite yet. At times, its a stretch to even think of myself as still pregnant come next week, never mind six months from now. Its also those kinds of conversations that haunt me after a loss. The conversations about whether were going to find out the sex come flooding back when we reach 20 weeks and imagine us going in for our anatomy scan, urgently telling the ultrasound tech, "We dont want to know! Please dont give it away!" And when were facing down the due date that will never be, I cant help but remember the conversations about the birth center or midwife weve chosen, the carefully crafted plans we made to bring our baby into this world in a gentle and natural way.

As a mom who has experienced many more losses than live births, I find it easier to take everything one day at a time, to live in the present and not plan ahead more than is absolutely necessary. Acting as if only the present exists makes it possible for me to find a bit of excitement and joy in my pregnancy. I think this is because I need to treat the pregnancy as an end of its own. When pregnancy is treated as only the means to a end (a living child), then the vast majority of my pregnancies lose all purpose. And if I need anything right now, I need this pregnancy to mean something, to have value today even if it might end tomorrow.

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post pregnancy weight loss guide | Blueberry Almond Scones The Chronicles of Home

post pregnancy weight loss guide

Today, our food contributor Jennifer is sharing a healthy recipe for blueberry almond scones.  I really want to try these because my son loves blueberries!

I cant even tell you how much I look forward to Jennifers recipe posts.  You may know Jennifer from her decor and DIY blog, The Chronicles of Home.  If you havent visited or arent a follower, Im sure shed love to have you!

Blueberry Almond Scones

For the most part, Im a creature of habit when it comes to breakfast.  Weekday mornings my daughters and I usually eat one of three things - (1) smoothies and whole grain toast with peanut butter, (2) egg on whole grain toast with fresh fruit, or (3) whole grain hot cereal with dried fruit.  And, honestly, Im okay with this routine.  All of those things work for me on harried weekday mornings and I feel good about eating them and feeding them to my daughters as often as I do.  

Then the weekends roll around and the last thing I want are any of these things since Ive just spent five days in a row eating them!  Thats where the more "special" breakfast dishes come in, like multigrain pancakes or sweet potato hash.  Scones are another of my weekend favorites and Ive been tinkering with my recipe lately to try to make it a little healthier.

In this version I used a double shot of blueberries - both fresh and dried - to get a variation in flavor and texture and to double down on all the antioxidant goodness.  I added sliced almonds for some crunch and protein.  I often use half whole wheat and half white flour in baking recipes to get some whole grain worked in without totally sacrificing the light texture of white flour.

I also played with coconut oil here in place of the typical butter in scones.  Heres my take on coconut oil, and keep in mind that Im not a nutritionist, just a health-minded home cook whos done a little research.  Coconut oil is a heavily saturated fat just like butter.  Theres some research that suggests the kind of saturated fat in coconut oil may be better for those with cholesterol issues than butter.  But for me, there are a lot of "may bes" in the research thats out there and in the end I think its best to use some moderation in your consumption of coconut oil just like you would with butter.

I liked the use of coconut oil in this recipe because it added a very light, subtle undertone of coconut flavor to the scones and still gave them the flakiness of a regular scone made with butter.  These scones will be heartier and a bit more dense than one you might get at your local Starbucks, but Ive found I actually like the healthy-indulgent version better!

Ingredients
3/4 c. white flour
1/2 c. whole wheat flour
3 tbsp. sugar
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
6 tbsp. refined coconut oil (butter can be substituted)
1/2 c. fresh blueberries
1/4 c. dried wild blueberries
1/4 c. sliced almonds
1/3 c. buttermilk
1 egg
2 tsp. vanilla

Preheat oven to 400º.  Line baking sheet with parchment paper.

Whisk flours, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a medium bowl.  Cut coconut oil in with a pastry cutter until its the consistency of coarse sand.

Gently stir in fresh blueberries, dried blueberries, and almonds.

In a small bowl whisk the buttermilk, egg, and vanilla to blend.  Pour over dry ingredients and fold with a rubber spatula until just combined.

Drop batter in 8 mounds onto prepared baking sheet (about 1/2 c. of batter each).

Bake until golden, about 15 minutes.  Remove from oven and let cool slightly before serving.

Thank you Jennifer!

* * * * * 

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kim pregnancy weight loss | Celebrate or Hold Back How to approach a pregnancy after loss

kim pregnancy weight loss

The title of this post insinuates its going to be a "how to". Not really. The decision of how to approach a pregnancy after loss - whether you celebrate wildly or hold back - is a very personal one. There is not one answer that is perfect for everyone, so Im not going to tell you there is. But Im going to share with you how Im approaching this pregnancy (and my past pregnancies after loss). And I also want you to know that there is no one right way to do it.

Motherhood is full of guilt and doubt and feelings of failure. Pregnancy after loss can be fraught with these feelings as well, in addition to fear and anger and (fill in the blank). Its important that you listen to your feelings, take care of yourself, and make the decisions that are best for your family and yourself.

That may come in the form of embracing all things pregnancy and baby from the time you see those two pink lines - taking bump pictures, buying baby items, sharing a carefully crafted pregnancy announcement early and everywhere.

Or it may mean keeping the pregnancy quiet, avoiding talk of the future and avoiding baby and pregnancy goods like the plague.

Neither one of these options means you are more pro-life, a better mother, or that love your baby any more or less.

Sometimes, self-preservation is the most important thing. Certain pregnancies I purposely distanced myself from the baby. I avoided making plans for "when the babys here". I didnt buy maternity clothes and steered clear of the baby clearance section. When those pregnancies ended, I was better able to cope with the loss. I was better able to be a wife to my husband and mother to my living child. I dont believe that my reluctance to celebrate my pregnancies in any way dishonored or disrespected the children I lost. I have always acknowledged that they existed, that they are unique human beings with eternal souls. And I have loved them since the moment I knew they existed. I dont think that, wherever they are, it matters one iota to them that I did not outwardly rejoice at their conception.

Ive heard and read from moms who firmly believe that they must make the most of every moment of their pregnancy. They must rejoice openly at the gift of life theyve been given. They share the news of their conception right away so that if their child does pass, they know that his short life was celebrated to the fullest. They buy gifts for the baby that will serve as mementos to remember their little one by if the worst happens. This is certainly one very valid way to approach pregnancy after loss. If this is what you need to help you through a pregnancy after loss (and certainly, the great hope and joy that comes with the approach can be such a light in the darkness), I think its wonderful.

Just make sure that youre taking that approach because you want to, not because you feel you must. A baby who enters and exists this world quietly, only known in the mind and heart of his mother, is no less valued than a child whose existence was widely known. Do not feel you have to force yourself to act a certain way during pregnancy. The love for your baby is enough, even if its not spoken of, even if its as hidden as the tiny child tucked in your womb. 

The longer Im pregnant, the more I begin to reach out from the cocoon Ive wrapped myself in. I originally thought I would wait until 20 weeks or more to find myself in the baby department or come home with maternity clothes but at 11 weeks, Ive done those things already. I took my first "bump picture" last week. But Im not yet ready to think about when the baby is here. Thats still so far off and there is so much pregnancy to go before then. Im not planning a nursery (we dont know where well be living anyway, so...) or thinking about any of the logistics of taking care of baby. I havent really looked into our birthing options yet (though again, even if I wanted to, we dont know where well be). But the pregnancy isnt a secret and Lucia especially talks about it quite a bit. Im finding that for me, this time, there is a delicate balance - celebrating a little, planning a little, but honoring my desire to hold back a bit, allowing myself to remember that pregnancy doesnt always end with a baby and that there is no guarantee well be a living family of four. Plan for best, prepare for the worst?

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pregnancy weight loss before and after pictures | Before After Success Story Valerie

pregnancy weight loss before and after pictures

Hearing from readers on similar fitness journeys makes me so happy.  It makes me feel like were all in this together.  I would love to celebrate you and feature your success story here.  Send me an email at: honeywerehomeblog@gmail.com

via 

Valerie wrote in explaining how she has lost nearly 100 pounds!  Can we take a minute and just let that soak in?? Wow! Talk about a journey that you truly have to take one day at at time.  I am so proud of her and couldnt wait to share her story with you.  I hope this gives encouragement to anyone who wants to lose a significant amount of weight.  I can tell from her face that she is so much happier now that shes a more fit person.  And it wasnt easy for her- she works and has kids with sports activities, so she wakes up at 5:30 a.m. to get her workouts in.  Valerie, big hugs to you girl!  You can visit her blog too- Fabulous Chick Gets Fit and follow her on Instagram IG: @fabchickgetsfit

Age, height, and weight ("before" and "after").  I am 31, 5’4” and my highest weight was 280lbs. Right now I am 189lbs.

Family status- married/single/kids/work?  Other background you wish to share. I am married with two kids {Sydney is 4 and Bryce is 8} I work as an event planner.

"Light bulb moment"- What made you decide to make a change? When I turned 30, I celebrated my birthday in Miami and saw a picture of myself and new I had to change. I was 280lbs and a size 22! I had put myself on the backburner and tried so many fad diets before like so many others. But this time was different. I was going to blog about my journey of losing 100lbs and inspire others and let them help hold me accountable. After losing 50lbs I decided I wanted to push myself further and compete.

What did you do to accomplish your goal? (Food/meal plan and exercise specifics) I did lots of research and completely changed my eating habits. I followed a completely clean eating lifestyle, cut out fast food, soda and sugar. I started walking a mile a day and finding kettle bell videos. Now I have hired a competitor coach and I am lifting heavy and do HIIT 6x a week. She also has me on a strict meal plan.

How did you make time for fitness? Because of my schedule, my husband’s schedule and the kids school/sports, it was best for me to get up at 5:30am and work out.

How long did it take you to reach your goal? It took me a little over a year to get to where I am now. I started my journey January 2013. I will compete on November 2, 2014.

Was there a specific person, website, blog that inspired/motivated you and provided you good information for losing weight/getting fit? I followed a few blogs when I first started. But the clean eating guide by Jamie Eason from bodybuilding.com was very helpful and Marianne from myomytv.com is where I got all of my kettle bell workouts. 

Any other information that you think would be beneficial and inspiring to other women. I always stress on my blog that with dedication and consistency anything is possible. I am going from obese to the competition stage and though difficult, it can and will be done. 

You are one hot mama Valerie!  Please feel free to leave her a sweet note in the comments- she deserves some love! 

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baby losing weight in womb | A lovely gift for a friend after loss giveaway

baby losing weight in womb

A few weeks ago, an email popped into my inbox from the Happy Mommy Box that introducing the themed boxes they offer. Happy Mommy Boxes are meant to be encouragement for moms and make especially great gifts for a mom friend who needs a little special surprise to brighten her day. I had seen the boxes before (and obviously signed up for email updates); they were filled with fun little surprises - mugs or bags with encouraging quotes, jewelry or hair ties, etc. In essence, things that are fun to open, pretty to look at, and let you know that the sender wanted to encourage and inspire you in your vocation of motherhood.

So, I opened the email expecting to see more of that. And I did. But I was also shocked, and more that a bit touched, to see that one of the boxes offered was a Grief and Loss Themed Box. Its not often (or maybe ever?) that Ive seen a company geared toward moms that is inclusive of moms who have experienced loss. When searching for pregnancy loss gifts in the past, Ive only seen them sold through companies (mostly small etsy businesses) geared directly toward pregnancy loss. So just the fact that this box even exists sets Happy Mommy Box apart.

The little gifts and cards Ive received after my losses have meant so very much to me. Just knowing that someone is thinking about me and understands the depths of my loss is so helpful to the grieving process. So many times, women feel very alone after a loss. Receiving a carefully picked gift in the mail is such a blessing. But its often hard, especially if you have not experienced loss on your own, to know what to send. The Grief and Loss Themed Box takes the guesswork out of the gift and puts together some very thoughtful items:

"You are my beloved" print. Something lovely to hang in your home to remember that even during the darkest times, you are loved.

"Bind my wandering hear to thee" journal. A place to write down your thoughts and prayers, hopes and fears, anger and sadness.

Psalm 34:18 hand stamped necklace. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." What a perfect scripture passage to remember that the Lord is near.

Elastic headbands. A little something pretty is especially helpful when you dont have the energy to care for yourself and feel worn down spiritually.

I think this box would make the most lovely gift for someone who has recently lost a baby. My only concern is that maybe the "Happy Mommy Box" packaging might be a sting at first, especially if she has no other living children.. But Im sure once she opened it, she wouldnt mind anymore because the gifts inside are not for the "happy mommy" but perfectly curated for the grieving mother.

Each of the items in the box are available for individual purchase if you did not want to send an entire box, and you can also make a customized box from mixing and matching the items available. (Its much cheaper to buy items in a box than individually if youre planning to buy a few items.)

After seeing the Grief and Loss Box, I contacted Happy Mommy Box to see if they would be willing to give away a box to one of my readers. And they said yes! Use the Rafflecopter below to enter. Open to residents of the US and Canada. PLEASE, Im asking that you only enter if either you have lost a baby yourself or, if you win, you plan to have the box sent to a friend who has lost a baby.  Thank you! 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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healthy pregnancy weight loss | Impatience and Gratitude

healthy pregnancy weight loss

For a woman who is struggling with infertility or loss, it often can be very difficult to hear pregnant women complain about their pregnancies. Even if its not truly complaining but simply discussing the aches and pains of pregnancy, it can sound like a lack of gratitude. However, the physical and emotional tolls of pregnancy are real. How does one balance acknowledging the struggles of pregnancy with gratitude for the child the pregnancy brings?

Our baby is much desired and much loved, coming after a very difficult time of loss after loss. I am deeply thankful for this child and for the ability to carry a pregnancy to term. And yet these past several weeks have still been filled with exhaustion, discomfort, and pain. The joy of our child and pregnancy certainly allow me to view this suffering in a more positive light, however, it doesnt mute it. The sleepless nights, the back and hip pain, the headaches, the searing heartburn, etc, etc, etc. are all still there. And yet acknowledging those physical burdens makes me feel guilty. Ive never once thought that our baby isnt worth the pain, but even admitting that there is pain somehow seems wrong.

My "official" due date is tomorrow, though I think that my real due date passed last weekend. This end time has been much more difficult than I expected. My daughter was 8 days "late" and I was really calm and patient until she arrived. Im much more uncomfortable this time, but also emotionally much more anxious. I never worried during my first pregnancy, never considered that a pregnancy would - or even could, really - end with anything other than a healthy, living child. This time is different. Its not that Ive expected that something would go wrong, but every moment Ive been aware that something very well could go wrong. And so, as I reach the very end of this pregnancy, the urgency seemed heightened. Ive made it this far - nine months! - and Im just so, so very anxious to finally reach the finish line. Each day that goes by seems like an eternity. 

And yet, both the baby and I are healthy. While Im certainly tired and uncomfortable and in a bit of pain, Im overall feeling well for nine months pregnant. It seems so greedy to ask or pray for the baby to come now instead of waiting patiently. Ive already gotten nine months of a healthy pregnancy, something so many women pray and plead for. Why cant I suffer a little more? Why cant I enjoy the time I have left? Why must I want more? 

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weight loss while pregnant during pregnancy | Heart Talk Pregnancy after Miscarriage

weight loss while pregnant during pregnancy

27 week bump with my little handsome 

(Sometimes I hold back from writing certain things because I just dont know what is appropriate to share with such a large group of people and what isnt. But recently my mom encouraged me to write to my Gran, and my family in Texas because this blog is pretty much the only way they can tell whats going on in my daily life. So, here it goes, several bursts from my heart. Its going to be a jumbled mess...)

The past month or so has been so wonderful and so emotional on so many levels. Several sweet readers have written to me asking if I am alright or telling me that they miss my posts. First, thank you for asking. :) You are so kind and sweet. Nothing significantly crazy has happened. We are super good, the babys healthy and Kael is thriving in his new stages of toddler-hood. Ive been trying to be present in every moment with him, enjoying every second. Ive been going through layer after layer of processing my own heart and trying to enjoy the moments, simple and extravagant alike. My hands have been busy making dolls. I love making things that make people happy. And, making some extra money on the side is pretty amazing, even if its just a little. ;)

This pregnancy is the most precious time Ive ever had in my life, and its also the most delicate, confusing and quite honestly...painful time as well. Nothing can be helped, the fact is, immediately after I lost one baby another one started to thrive. One week,  Im on top of the world, ready to write and create my heart out.  The next, Ill get lost in my thoughts as I stare out the window, washing dishes or typing a blog...then Ill just bend over and cry for 5 minutes because I still dont understand what exactly my heart is feeling. Im fine on the outside, but Im the strangest abstract painting of emotions on the inside.  So much so that I dont even get it.  I still miss the baby we lost in November. Its the silent fact that screams at me everyday.  It still feels like it was just a couple weeks ago and not 7 months. And yet, I have never felt more love for my new baby boy, dont think that any of that negative emotion is reflected on him. I feel that this pregnancy is more sacred and cherished to me, even more than Kaels was. Not because this baby is more special,  I just realize how fragile life really is on a new level now. 

Ive battled with lots of fear the past months, Im not gonna lie. Thats hard for me because my whole life, Ive never really struggled with that consuming emotion, not like this. Is fear even an emotion? I dont even know. Whatever it is, I constantly have to push through it. The other night I was getting ready for bed and I smelled something awful, similar to, but not exactly like the discharge I had the night before I started bleeding with our miscarried baby. My chest got tight, and I went to bed inwardly paralyzed with fear. Then I started cramping. (Which is pretty much a normal thing during pregnancy...especially round ligament like cramps/pain.) On top of that,  the baby decided to take a nap for a good 30 minutes and not move.... that combination had my heart racing. I couldnt sleep until I felt him wiggling again.  The next morning, I woke up to him trying to have a dance off.  I knew everything was fine. But, its just that added tension that is wearing my heart out. The continual wondering, and constant bug eyed look when something feels off. 

A lot of the time, my mind, even when its still, has these feelings and thoughts constantly running through them, even when no one else can tell. Sometimes, it feels like I need to overcompensate in my own being for the unsteadiness and unsolved concoction of emotions that I feel. Overall, I have always been a positive person. So, its been really strange for me, in the long run, to daily deal with, well...a broken heart. I mean,  even as I write that one phrase, "broken heart," tears start filling my eyes so that I cant see what Im typing. Its frustrating to me. I dont want this beautiful pregnancy, with my beautiful baby boy, to be all about what we lost, who we lost. That doesnt seem fair. It doesnt seem right. But then it doesnt seem fair to forget Windland and act like he or she never happened, does it?  Ive tried to push the whole experience of us miscarrying to the furthest place in the back of my heart.  When I do that, it ends up building and smoldering, until it eats through all my happy times and its worse. Then, Ill try and accept what my heart is going through. Then I feel like Im obsessed with something so tragic and sad, not fully being able to rejoice in the moments.  Im still trying to wrap my brain around the oxymoron of being devastatedly crushed and being ecstatically elated at the same time.

I have a tendency to over analyze myself, to the point where its just pretty much ridiculous. Ive always longed to be the friend and person that is easy to be around, encouraging and no drama policy. Lately, I feel that when people see me, they see the naked, confused brain of mine, trying to figure herself out. Of course they probably dont, but another weight of pressure is placed on my heart by its own self. You know when you get a bouquet of roses or some sort of flower. Right when they are on their last leg you barley touch them and a blob of petals just fall to the table. Thats what I feel like. I still have color, a little more droopy maybe than normal, but have any close contact with me of any real substance and a part of me will fall a part. Is that a good analogy? Well, it works in my brain and that what I feel like so often.

Im not walking around like a big soppy mess. I promise.  My heart truly has been thriving and growing in joy and love in so many places lately. I really have been having some of the most precious, happy days lately... This new little dreamer of mine has truly been the sweetest gift. I can say that now. At first it all seemed like a cruel joke. What do you do with anger and grief when a new little life enters the middle of it, needing and deserving your joy and love? What do I do when every stage of him growing sweetly inside of me would be a kiss and a knife to my heart at the same time? Loving my heart to hope and goodness and then a reminder of what I would never feel with the little soul we lost. What do you do with that? "Oh, he moved SO strong just now!" Instantly my heart might linger to the place of, "I never got to feel my other baby move like that and I never will..." Yes, I know, why go there? Why torture myself? I dont know. Im not doing it on purpose. Talk about being confused and feeling guilty. Cant you just enjoy the baby you have now? I am, I promise... How can I feel so empty and broken but so "my cup runneth over" at the same time?  Heck, I have no idea. Its a mystery to me.

Even with our sonogram of finding out if he was a boy or girl, it was tainted with fear. Finding out the sex of the baby wasnt in the forefront of my mind. I had prepared myself so hard for something to be terribly wrong, that when HE was healthy and strong, I was in shock for a good 2 days. Allowing my mind to just relax and enjoy was disturbingly difficult. Everything is just...different now. Everything. I just wanted to sit quietly somewhere and not talk. All I wanted was to think about what had just happened.  "My baby is ok. His heart is beating and its healthy. Hes alive. Hes going to be alright. Ill actually get to hold him and kiss his face. Its alright Jess, this is real, its not a mean joke."  But instead of just going with what I needed, I overcompensated to my own brain and forced a bouncy, happy, go lucky attitude. That means Im happy about it, right? Oh, Jess...when will you learn just to be what you need to be in the moment instead of what you think you need to be. Dont get me wrong, it was a precious day that is one of my favorites. That looming factor is just there and sometimes I frustrate my own self. 

I had a long talk with Sam the other night. (I have the sweetest husband, seriously.) Well, more like he listened to me for 2 hours, verbally process all of this. He ended up telling me that he didnt think my heart had allowed itself to fully process, grieve  and realize all that had happened with losing something, no, someone so precious. Ive somehow convinced myself that Im just fine and dandy. The confusing and sad thoughts that invade my mind at many hours of the day dont count. I just mark the good and happy ones. Does that make sense? Its like Im trying to control the feelings of my heart. Its like trying to hold back the late afternoon tide with an open 8oz sized plastic baggie. But, somehow in my mind, Im convinced that works so, I do it again and again. Why am I verbally dumping so many raw thoughts right now? I dont know. Maybe because I can see how my heart has, in some small ways and in some big ways, already healed and mended back together in certain places the past 7 months and I want to have something to compare it to the next 7? I also know that sometimes my heart finds release when I journal and document what is going on. The first post I did helped me in countless ways. Maybe I am just a little desperate again...reaching a point to where I can finally admit to myself that Im still walking through certain valleys of heartbreak. Grieving doesnt mean youre not rejoicing. It doesnt mean you dont see the good. In a way, I think it shows how much you cherish the good maybe? Ive had several amazing hearts write to me asking me how Ive coped, healed and walked through this chapter of life in miscarriage etc. I dont know. I feel like Im still trying to figure that out myself. I will say that educating myself on healthy ways the human heart grieves and the importance of each stage was vital to me. Also, not pushing away the reality of WHO you lost was and is crucial. I wrote a letter to our lost baby at a certain point that released a huge part of my heart. (I still every once in a while will write Windland a note when I feel my heart needs to. I even pray sometimes that Jesus or angels or whoever does that in heaven will hold my baby extra close and kiss him or her goodnight for me. That may seem weird, and maybe it is, but for me it helps.)

Im not writing this mile long blog to really do anything but let some of my thoughts escape from the cage of my brain and soul. Maybe some of the splatters from their impact on this screen will make sense to me later on and even seem beautiful in a way. I know its a jumbled mess, and Lord I know its wheezing in the "making sense" department. But, I felt that an update on the progression of my emotions with everything was needed. Maybe half of one of these long winded sentences might in a weird way encourage a girl having gone through something similar. Empathy. Just knowing someone else if feeling something close to what you are feeling can sometimes be more healing that a thousand encouragements. Sometimes empathy is the best gift. 

I will tell you that in the past few weeks, the reality of my new baby boy has hit me like a mac truck. I am so head over heels in love with him. For the first time in my entire pregnancy, I had a beautiful dream about him. I had a great birth, and experienced the first weeks of his sweet little life. It was precious. I actually saw his sweet face, crystal clear. We bonded. So much so that when I woke up, I was a little disappointed because it was so real that I reached over to our co-sleeper hold him and then I saw my belly. Haha. He is such a gift to my soul, more than I even understand. I cannot tell you how every fiber of my body yearns for that first moment when I get to hold him. I ache to feel his little self in my arms.

Im so thankful this baby boy of mine is overly active in mbelly. I used to sigh and pray that Kael would be still for a little while so I could sleep more easily. Not with this baby! Every repetitive movement is therapy to my soul and a kiss to my heart telling me that hes ok. Every hiccup and flip has the effects of reminding me that hes coming, for real and so truly. Hes my little gift, treasure and oh how Im going to treasure every freaking second I have with him.

How do I sign off on this? haha. Um...well, I dont know. I kinda feel strange at the flow of this entry. Maybe I wont post it. Maybe I will.

Jess, feel what you need to. Youre loving the best, most beautiful you can, your babies know that. Dont over think yourself please. If you need to take a 10 minute break and cry, do it. If you are enjoying the h*ll out of your day and your week of pregnancy, thats ok and fantastic! Love is love, through pain and through joy. Youll express it in tears, both happy and broken. Youll feel it in heartache and in new life. Let love just be love and go with it.

"...even darkness is light to you..." psalm 139

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