baby jaundice weight lose | Naming a Miscarried Baby

baby jaundice weight lose

Its a fairly common practice for parents to name the children theyve lost to miscarriage. Its certainly a matter of personal preference (please do not feel that you arent properly honoring your child or grieving appropriately if you decide not to name your child) but for many parents, it helps them connect with and find closure after the loss of their child. In many families, especially the Catholic families Im familiar with, miscarried children are talked about often, prayed for (and to, since we have reason to believe that they are in heaven and therefore can watch out and pray for us), and its easier to do these things if the children have names. I previously wrote about how we chose a name for our daughter and for the first two children we lost and Ive decided to share an update of that post with the names of the last two children I miscarried.

Ive always been a bit of a name junky (Im currently addicted to the Catholic naming blog Sancta Nomina) so the process of choosing our childrens names is one that is done with a lot of thought, prayer, and love. It meant so much to me that even though we lost four of our children so very young and will never get to experience the typical parenting moments with them as we will with our living child, I was still able to give them their names. It is one of the only ways that Ive been able to truly mother those babies.

Lucia Rose, born December 2011

Since we didnt find out whether Lucia was a boy or girl, we had to have two names at the ready.  The boys name was picked out before we were even pregnant (and in some ways before I even met my husband).  The girls name was much harder to nail down since it seemed David and I had opposite taste in names.  (We have since resolved our differences and have 3-4 girls names already picked out, in order, for future daughters.) My main choice for name inspiration was a book of women Saints that I owned.  I would thumb through the pages looking for names that I liked and only read the corresponding story if I felt the name was "in the running".  There were several names that were clearly not going to happen, like Hedwig and Hildegarde, but anything I half liked I ran by David and 99% he turned down on the spot.  Very early on, two front runners emerged: Alena and Lucia.  Alena was actually the favorite for quite some time and I cant remember why we decided on Lucia instead, but we did so somewhere between 20 and 30 weeks.  Lucias name is equally in honor of St. Lucy and Sr. Lucia of Fatima as my husband has a great devotion to Our Lady of Fatima.  Her middle name, Rose, was decided from the very beginning.  It is my middle name and a dear aunts middle name in honor of my great grandmother, Rosa. 

Francis Michael, miscarried October 2013

After my miscarriage in October 2013, several people urged us to name the baby.  It took a week or so before we felt comfortable with doing so.  Naming a miscarried child seemed so different than naming a living one.  We had names picked out for our next child before this one was even conceived, but it didnt feel right to use either one of them.  I know many parents feel comfortable giving the child a gender specific name based on their gut instincts, but I didnt have any feelings about the babys gender and was wrong with my gut instinct that Lucia was a boy, so we decided to choose a gender neutral name.  Searching "gender neutral Saint names" doesnt come up with many results, but I immediately found one that I loved: Francis.  Although more commonly associated with boys, Frances is a common enough girls name and St. Frances Cabrini is one of my favorite Saints.  The biggest decision we had to make was which spelling to use.  While researching the name, I found a source that said that until the last few centuries, both spellings were used interchangeably for boys and girls, so we simply went with the one that was most aesthetically appealing to me.  We chose the middle name Michael after the Archangel.  When I think of this baby, I think of the baby being either "my Frank or Frannie" and joyfully look forward to the day when I find out which nickname fits.

Julian Gabriel, miscarried February 2014

This may sound a bit strange, but I already chosen a name for our second miscarried child before I was even pregnant with him/her.  It was a gender neutral name that would only be used for another lost baby.  Not that I necessarily expected to miscarry again (and I truly did not think I would miscarry twice in a row) but it was a name that I came across when I was looking for a name for Francis and tucked away as another favorite.  It feels a bit odd to give a child a specific name because he/she passed before birth while we would have given that same child a different name had he/she been born.  But at the same time, we feel blessed to be able to do the only thing we can do to parent this child other than conception: name him/her.  We chose the name Julian Gabriel.  Julian, while usually considered masculine, is the name of many Catholic Saints, and the female Julian of Norwich (who though not canonized is often revered as a Saint).  Gabriel, like the middle name we chose for Francis, is in honor of the Archangel.

Adrienne Rafael, miscarried October 2014
Like with Julian, I also had some ideas in mind of names to use if I miscarried again before I even knew this little one existed. I suppose after two miscarriages and one live birth, it starts to feel like a loss is more likely (statistically, its not). Our third miscarriage was a very early "chemical pregnancy" so we werent sure I was even pregnant until I no longer was. We debated a little bit about whether we would name the baby or whether we would even count it as a pregnancy/loss but ultimately decided that our belief that life starts at conception meant we wouldnt treat this child any different than we did the babies we lost later on. I started to feel like we were running out of blatantly Catholic, gender neutral names, but I had a short list left and Adrian was on it. Since Francis and Julian are more masculine in appearance, we decided on the feminine spelling Adrienne. Again, Rafael is for the Archangel and we chose that spelling because I love the Spanish language and prefer the pronunciation (rah-fiy-EHL) that is similar to the Spanish.

Christian Michael, miscarried December 2014
After we lost our last baby, I had a hard time coming up with any name ideas. There are some more available that fit the Saint/biblical and gender neutral categories (see below) but I couldnt seem to find one that fit for our baby. I dont know why I initially thought of Christian, but once I did, it just seemed right. Although usually a boys name, I worked with a girl named Christian in college so it has a very gender neutral feel to me. We were short-sighted (or maybe it was just wishful thinking) when we decided to use the names of the Archangels as middle names for our miscarried babies since there are only three named Archangels. It didnt feel right to break with the tradition, so we decided to cycle back through and used Michael again.




A few of the ideas that we didnt use (yet) but might be helpful for couples searching for gender neutral Catholic names: 

Jean - in English, its a girls name; in French, its the male name John
Jordan - for the Jordan River
Valentine
Alex - for Alexander or Alexandra, or you could maybe even the full name Alexis - Im familiar with it as a girls name, but apparently its a boys name too
Hilary - for the male St. Hilary, though its more often a female name now
Karol/Carol - for St. John Paul II whose name was Karol Wojtyla
Aaron/Erin/Aeron
Andy - for Andrew or Andrea - or even the full Andrea since it is a boys name in other cultures, like singer Andrea Bocelli
Remy
Quinn - for Ven. Edel Quinn
Noel - means "Christmas" in French
Jude
Ariel - one of names for Jerusalem, probably most well known as The Little Mermaid, it can also be a boys name like Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon

For more ideas, see Kates post at Sancta Nomina. If none of these names work for you, (affiliate link) The Catholic Baby Name Book may be another helpful resource. If you have any other ideas, please leave them in the comments and Id be happy to add them to the list!

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vomiting during pregnancy weight loss | Boy or Girl

vomiting during pregnancy weight loss

As I have mentioned before, we are choosing not to find out the sex of this baby until the day the baby comes. Thankfully our OB does not write the gender on any paperwork so they cant accidentally spill the beans. It will be a surprise for us all!

16 Weeks | Pregnant with Jack compared to Now

In the past 10 days, we saw many of our family members and there was a lot of conjecture as to whether there will be a little boy or little girl arriving in April. Currently, the overall consensus seems to be girl. 

20 Weeks | Pregnant with Jack compared to Now

Currently, I dont think that either Daniel or I have any inklings as to the sex of our baby. It would be a delight (and something new) if we had a girl, but it would be fun to have two little boys running around together.

22 Weeks | Pregnant with Jack compared to Now

Jack has taken to telling people he is getting a little brother. This has caused some confusion since most people know we are waiting to find out.

24 Weeks | Pregnant with Jack compared to Now

I thought it would be fun to look back at a comparison of what my pregnancies looked like. In all of the photos, the left side is from when I was pregnant with Jack and the right side is from this year (links to pregnancy with Jack are in red). I feel like I am carrying in a similar fashion, but this pregnancy has sure felt different (or I just forgot how uncomfortable this stage is!). I will be updating soon with a recap of the second trimester. I cant believe there are only a couple of more weeks until I am in the third part of this pregnancy!

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kim pregnancy weight loss | Celebrate or Hold Back How to approach a pregnancy after loss

kim pregnancy weight loss

The title of this post insinuates its going to be a "how to". Not really. The decision of how to approach a pregnancy after loss - whether you celebrate wildly or hold back - is a very personal one. There is not one answer that is perfect for everyone, so Im not going to tell you there is. But Im going to share with you how Im approaching this pregnancy (and my past pregnancies after loss). And I also want you to know that there is no one right way to do it.

Motherhood is full of guilt and doubt and feelings of failure. Pregnancy after loss can be fraught with these feelings as well, in addition to fear and anger and (fill in the blank). Its important that you listen to your feelings, take care of yourself, and make the decisions that are best for your family and yourself.

That may come in the form of embracing all things pregnancy and baby from the time you see those two pink lines - taking bump pictures, buying baby items, sharing a carefully crafted pregnancy announcement early and everywhere.

Or it may mean keeping the pregnancy quiet, avoiding talk of the future and avoiding baby and pregnancy goods like the plague.

Neither one of these options means you are more pro-life, a better mother, or that love your baby any more or less.

Sometimes, self-preservation is the most important thing. Certain pregnancies I purposely distanced myself from the baby. I avoided making plans for "when the babys here". I didnt buy maternity clothes and steered clear of the baby clearance section. When those pregnancies ended, I was better able to cope with the loss. I was better able to be a wife to my husband and mother to my living child. I dont believe that my reluctance to celebrate my pregnancies in any way dishonored or disrespected the children I lost. I have always acknowledged that they existed, that they are unique human beings with eternal souls. And I have loved them since the moment I knew they existed. I dont think that, wherever they are, it matters one iota to them that I did not outwardly rejoice at their conception.

Ive heard and read from moms who firmly believe that they must make the most of every moment of their pregnancy. They must rejoice openly at the gift of life theyve been given. They share the news of their conception right away so that if their child does pass, they know that his short life was celebrated to the fullest. They buy gifts for the baby that will serve as mementos to remember their little one by if the worst happens. This is certainly one very valid way to approach pregnancy after loss. If this is what you need to help you through a pregnancy after loss (and certainly, the great hope and joy that comes with the approach can be such a light in the darkness), I think its wonderful.

Just make sure that youre taking that approach because you want to, not because you feel you must. A baby who enters and exists this world quietly, only known in the mind and heart of his mother, is no less valued than a child whose existence was widely known. Do not feel you have to force yourself to act a certain way during pregnancy. The love for your baby is enough, even if its not spoken of, even if its as hidden as the tiny child tucked in your womb. 

The longer Im pregnant, the more I begin to reach out from the cocoon Ive wrapped myself in. I originally thought I would wait until 20 weeks or more to find myself in the baby department or come home with maternity clothes but at 11 weeks, Ive done those things already. I took my first "bump picture" last week. But Im not yet ready to think about when the baby is here. Thats still so far off and there is so much pregnancy to go before then. Im not planning a nursery (we dont know where well be living anyway, so...) or thinking about any of the logistics of taking care of baby. I havent really looked into our birthing options yet (though again, even if I wanted to, we dont know where well be). But the pregnancy isnt a secret and Lucia especially talks about it quite a bit. Im finding that for me, this time, there is a delicate balance - celebrating a little, planning a little, but honoring my desire to hold back a bit, allowing myself to remember that pregnancy doesnt always end with a baby and that there is no guarantee well be a living family of four. Plan for best, prepare for the worst?

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baby losing weight in first week | My Grief Checklist

baby losing weight in first week

We all made it to Colorado safely! Since were still busy unpacking and with a wedding this weekend (Im matron of honor and Lucia is flower girl), I thought Id resurrect another miscarriage post from my old blog. This post originally appeared on December 13, 2013, a couple months after my first miscarriage on Messy Wife, Blessed Life. Ive updated it a bit to reflect my additional losses. This also got me thinking about what I need right now, a sort of "Pregnancy After Loss Checklist", so I might just have to write a post about that soon.
__________

A contributor of one of the pregnancy loss ebooks I read (Sunshine After the Storm) wrote this about a "grief checklist":

This is a tool to help you build a list to help others help you. Friends and family may not have any idea of what would be helpful to you.  It is wonderful when people just DO things, but often they may ask you what you need...

Ive been thinking quite a bit about what would have been helpful right after my losses (and what would be helpful still).  The first few days, I had no idea how I felt, and therefore didnt know what exactly I needed.  I received some kind offers for help from friends, but I didnt take them up on them.  In hindsight, I should have.  After about a week, I could tell people exactly what I needed, but at that point, most had stopped asking if they could help and I didnt feel comfortable asking.  

Im totally in agreement with the quote above - it was much more helpful for someone to just DO than to ASK.  Just call and say you are bringing over dinner.  Just call and say, "Im coming over so you dont have to be alone." or "Im picking up Lucia so you and David can spend time together."  If I really didnt want you to, I would say so.  But if you ask if you can do those things, I will most likely say no because as much as I know I should accept help, I hate to inconvenience others. 

Im not writing this as a guideline of what you should do if you have a friend who has experienced pregnancy loss or what you yourself will need if you go through this.  This is a list of my own personal needs, though I suspect that many women have similar needs (many of these ideas I got through reading about others experiences and realizing Yes, that would help me too.)  Grief is different for everyone; some women will find comfort in certain things that would only further the pain for other, but you can use this as a jumping off point for writing your own list or coming up with ideas to help those you love.

I should also mention that I dont expect any one person to do all the things on this list - one person sending flowers after a loss and another person asking how Im doing and a third person sending a card on a special date - thats all I need. Dont feel like you need to be everything to your friend or family member who has had a loss. Do what you can - hopefully she has a strong support system that together will fill all her needs.

• Say "Im sorry". I know its hard to say the perfect thing (is there a perfect thing to say anyway?) but its unfortunately easy to say something unintentionally hurtful, especially if you havent experienced a loss yourself.  You cant go wrong with a simple, "Im sorry for your loss".  
• Tell me you are praying for me. And then pray.  A lot.
• Acknowledge that I lost a CHILD.  A baby. A person. A unique human being.  Do not use a euphemism like "tissue" or "pregnancy" or "possibility of a child" or "opportunity".  A good rule of thumb for what to say after a loss is to only say things you would say to a parent that lost a 10 year old.  Would you tell them, "You can always get pregnant again"? For me, that meant that the speaker didnt recognize my child was unique and could never be replaced.  I dont just mourn the fact that I wont have a baby to hold come May, but I miss that specific, irreplaceable child with his/her own personality, preferences and quirks.  
• Dont call my baby an "angel".  This is something thats very specific to me, Im sure many other mothers dont mind or actually prefer "angel baby".  Im not sure if there are any Christian faiths that believe that people in heaven become angels, but as a Catholic, I believe that angels are beings created separately from humans.  I believe my children most likely in heaven.  But wings?  No.  I want my child to be celebrated for what he/she really is - a child of God who is in heaven with Him.  I understand the good intentions behind this, but similar to how I imagine atheists feel when you try to comfort them by telling them their loved one is in heaven, its not comforting to me to be told that my child is something I dont believe he/she can be. 
• Ask me about it.  I want to talk about it, but its a hard topic for me to bring up, especially if I dont know how you might react.  Ask me how I am doing.  Ask me if I want to talk about it.  Ask me to tell you about how the actual miscarriage happened.  Ask me about my feelings and my fears.  If I really am not feeling like talking about it, I will just tell you.  But I dont know if Ive ever felt that way - Im still dying to talk about it to anyone who asks.  And if you worry about what to say in return, you dont have to say much.  Just listen.  You can ask questions if you have them.  It does not open a wound for you to bring it up - believe me, two months later it is still the foremost thought on my mind.
• Ask me my babys name.  Seriously, it was the most touching thing when someone asked me if we named our child, if I minded sharing the name, and then when they used the name in conversation.  I havent shared the name publicly yet, I just havent felt comfortable doing so, but I have been happy to share the name with friends and family one-on-one.  
• Dont ignore it.  Whatever you do, dont act like it never happened.  It did happen.  One of my greatest fears is that no one else will remember this child of mine existed.  Remind me that you still remember.
• Ask me how Im doing. One of my biggest struggles is feeling like people expect me to already be over it.  I felt that way within a week of the miscarriage because after the initial round of "Im sorries", very few mentioned it or asked me how I was doing.  Just having a few people checking in on me periodically made me feel like I had the "approval" to still be mourning and struggling.  I dont know why but I really needed (and still need) friends and family to acknowledge that its normal and expected that Im not "over it" and havent "moved on" yet.
• Spend time with me.  Just come over and sit with me.  Its hard to be alone with my thoughts during the day when David is gone.
• Send me flowers. People send flowers when a baby is born.  When a person dies.  I so badly wanted flowers because I felt like they signified that my baby was real, that the loss was real. Just ask my husband - in the few days following the miscarriage, I told him many times, "I wish someone would just send us flowers." Thankfully, Davids coworkers sent us a beautiful bouquet and I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders when it arrived at the front door.
• Send a card. I received only one card after my miscarriage and it meant so, so much to me.  I will keep that card forever. When someone loses a loved one, people send cards and just like the flowers, it was significant to me because it told me that the sender acknowledged that I actually lost a a child.  It is also something physical that I can hold and look at to remember my babys short life - with a miscarriage, especially an early one, there arent many physical mementos for the parents to keep.
• Give me something to remember my baby by. Again, something physical that I can hold and touch when it gets hard and all I want to do is hold and touch my baby.  Something concrete that reminds me that other people knew my baby existed, that my baby was real and not just a creation of my mind.  Some ideas: a rosary or prayer card, a baby item (hat, booties, etc.), something with the babys name on it, a Christmas ornament that I can hang for our baby every year. 
• Offer specific help with the day-to-day tasks.  For me, its so hard to keep the household running smoothly when I cant focus on anything but the overwhelming sadness.  The first few weeks were even more difficult because I was also physically weak.  Everything is difficult - laundry, grocery shopping, making dinner.  Even playing with Lucia is hard.  I am doing better now, but especially those first few weeks were riddled with guilt on top of grief - guilt that I was not able to focus on Lucia, I lost patience with her, often just needed to lay in bed all day, and I was overall not able to care for her like I should have because I was so wrapped up in my own sadness.  If you could take her somewhere fun or just come play with her while I rest, that would be wonderful.  Bring me dinner (or gift cards for take out).  Drop off groceries and household staples like toilet paper. 
• Remember these dates with me: October 10 and May 8 (Francis Michael), February 21 and September 17 (Julian Gabriel), June 25 (Adrienne Rafael), December 19 and July 21 (Christian Michael).  The first is the day I lost my baby.  The second is my expected due date.  (Adrienne was an early loss and I dont know exactly what day I lost her, so I only remember the due date.) Ive gone through quite a due dates and even the one year anniversary of Francis Michaels due date (when he would be turning one) and they continue to be hard. If you sent me a card on those days, or called me, or plan to spend time with me on those days, I would feel a little less alone.  Also, holidays, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Mothers Day will be hard.  Let me know youre specifically thinking and praying for me on those days.  And not just this first year, every year on those dates and holidays has been difficult.
• Use delicacy when announcing/discussing your pregnancies. I dont want you to hide your joy or to feel like Im not happy for you.  Because I am, I am so, so happy for you!  Having lost my child does not diminish the miracle of yours.  Im not jealous - I dont wish you wouldnt have a baby and I dont wish that your baby was mine.  Its just a reminder of my own loss.  And sometimes that reminder is too much.  Too raw.  Especially if you have a due date close to mine - its like the ghost of my pregnancy haunting me.  All I ask is that you initially tell me in private, especially if you plan to later announce in public where I might not have the chance to privately deal with my emotions.  By all means, share with me the big news - the healthy ultrasounds and the sex if you find out - but I could probably skip the minute details of your pregnancy, especially the complaining.  You have every right to complain - pregnancy is HARD - but just not to me, please?  Not now.  If I ask, complain away!  Sometimes I feel perfectly fine talking about it.  But sometimes, its just like a knife to the heart. Im usually fine being around babies, but sometimes its hard - around due dates or just for seemingly no reason at all. If I choose not to hold your baby or wait a while before coming to visit after the birth, be patient with me.
• Dont forget my husband. I didnt mention when I originally wrote this post, but after a few more losses, Ive realized how much support fathers need as well and how often they are left out. Ask HIM how hes doing. Pray for him and let him know that you are specifically including him in your prayers as well. Let him know that he doesnt need to handle his grief and take care of me all on his own. Include his name in cards. Offer to watch our living children so we can spend time together, or offer to help me so he can go do something by himself. 

If youve experiences a pregnancy loss, Id love to hear about how your list differed from mine.  Is anything on my "to-do" list on your "dont-do" list?  What did/do you need that I didnt mention?  I think its helpful to see the great differences in how people grieve and what they need in the wake of a loss.



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baby losing weight in third trimester | Due Date

baby losing weight in third trimester

Well, here we are folks. 40 weeks. :) Last night as I found myself scrubbing my bathroom floor and ridding my house of excess clutter, I realized how extreme I was being. I told myself that Saturday meant not cleaning ANYTHING. So as today marks our due date, we are taking it easy and chilling. Relaxing is a luxury for our family lately. With Sams work, side projects and my doll business, it has been pretty crazy.  I have been  fighting off a nasty head cold, which is kinda the pits. Being 9 months pregnant and sick isnt the most desirable combo, but thankfully I have a pretty darn sweet guy who runs to the store for me when I just HAVE to have this or that. ;)

The past couple of days, I have kinda felt like a little old lady, grunting as I stand up and holding my back as I waddle down the hallway. Other than lots of cramps and one wee centimeter of dilation, all is quiet in the labor department. Im not anxious at all. And, if I go late, Im not freaked out. Ive already been there and done that. haha. I am very hopeful and expecting lots of goodness and redemption with this birth. I have an amazing birth support team and lots of peace. Once that little boy pops out, we are popping the cork of champagne and treating this birth like a party...I want to say thank you to all my beautiful heart friends who have spoken peace, beauty and goodness over my birth with this little boy the past months. Im really excited. Sam is antsy to hold his second son and have a new born in the house again. (Melts my heart.) I think we both feel a little more giddy with this birth because we know how amazing it is. Yeah, exhaustion and all that crazy jazz, but oh man...our new boy is almost here.

Kaels preschools open house is tomorrow and the wedding of a dear friend and midwife that evening. So if all is quiet, well be partying guys.  Lots of newness and celebration. Maybe Ill go into labor on the dance floor?! How awesome would that be?!

I think we are off to get a five guys and fries burger to celebrate our due date. As I enjoy that bit of American perfection, I hope you are enjoying your weekend.

My beautiful boy,

Lets have a party soon? Wanna?

Love,

Momma

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weight loss during pregnancy in urdu | Cabin Fever

weight loss during pregnancy in urdu

Following the excitement of my 2 nights in the hospital, our entire little family came down with a stomach bug that has been going around. Jack and I lucked out with a 12 hour version while Daniel was out for a week. According to Daniels doctor, our entire neighborhood was sick. On top of that I was supposed to rest for the week after my hospital stay and then we had the recent winter storm. All in all, I was basically stuck at our house for the last 11 days and starting to go a little stir crazy.

After the sign off from my doctor, I have been anxious to return to life as usual, while still taking it easy. So even though the trees were covered with ice and the temps were in the teens, Jack and I were determined to get out of the house (Jack specifically asked to go dig dinosaurs).

We started the day with pancakes (its Pancake Day after all). Then made the trip to town so that I could work out. I have been missing my time at the Y – both the social and physical aspects. Note to the college-age childcare workers: If you havent seen a pregnant woman in almost two weeks, dont tell her that she "got huge since the last time you saw her."

We rounded out our afternoon with a visit to the Creative Discovery Museum so that Jack could "dig dinosaurs." Besides digging he got to touch a live corn snake. He was very fascinated by this experience. This was a good day and Im hoping I didnt overdo it.

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best pregnancy weight loss diet | Matt and Kara Pink or Blue

best pregnancy weight loss diet

What can I say? I loooooooove video stories, announcements, surprises...you name it! Eeee! Many of you know my beautiful friend, Kara from her BLOG,"Matt and Kara Adopt" right? Well, if you havent seen this video already, you need to take a minute and watch! Last Friday we all squealed and screamed as we found out if their sweet baby was going to be a boy or a girl! Kara is due the first week of August. Our babies are going to be summer friends!!!  SO dang exciting! She is a total glow of loveliness and is going to be THE BEST, most amazing mommy ever! Love you Kara and beyond thrilled about this baby sweetness of yours!!!!! 

Stop on by her blog and blow a kiss or two her way! Its going to be a beautiful, wondrous journey to follow!

Enjoy beauties!!!  

Pink or Blue? from Kara on Vimeo.

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unexplained weight loss pregnancy | Chats with Jack

unexplained weight loss pregnancy

These are some of the memorable things Jack has said recently...

Jack really likes to talk on the phone. One of his favorite games is to pretend to call us on our rotary phone (it hangs on the wall, but is not hooked up). Since he is so interested in phones, we taught him how to call Daniel on my cell phone. We wanted him to be able to call someone in case something happened to me and it has been really useful for the days when Daniel is working long hours and Jack misses him. He can call Daniel and tell him about his day without my help. Its been a great tool for him and is especially good on the days he is feeling sad about not seeing his daddy.

Any time Jack gets in trouble, he asks, "Are you sad, mommy?" I always reassure him that I love him, but that his behavior made me sad. He also asks, "Are you happy, mommy?"

Do you want to watch my dance? (followed by a silly dance)
Do you want to hear my noise? (followed by obnoxious noise)

Jack: Why did I have to stop playing with Westin and leave church?
Daniel: So you and Westin could go to your homes and go to sleep so you can feel good tomorrow.
Jack: Are there beds at church?
Daniel: No.
Jack: Why arent there beds at church? 

 
"Next time Ill stump you for sure." (Quote from The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That). Jack then proceeds to stomp around and laugh hysterically while saying this. Ive been trying to explain to him what "to stump someone" means.

I just like to be silly. 
Its just pretend.

Says "Aw, man!" when he is frustrated.

 

 

Knows the phrase "Righty tighty and lefty loosey" and uses it appropriately when unscrewing/screwing something together. On the note of fixing things, Jack insisted that Daniel fix the swing at the playground that was broken. He was very proud of the fact that they fixed it together.

Jack: Do people like shots?
Me: Do you like shots?
Jack: No. I like nice things.
Me: I think people like nice things too.
 

  
One night we had a very in depth discussion about radar detectors on the way to church. Boiled down, the radar detector reminds grown ups to obey the rules so they dont get in trouble.

Mommies always know the rules. (Informing Daniel)

Jack: Mommy, did you touch the potty?
Me: Yes.
Jack: You need to wash your hands.
 

Sophie always has really bad stinky farts.

 Im getting the chopper (axe) so I can chop wood.

  
Recent questions about the baby: Does the baby have feet? Does the baby walk? Does the baby like to sing songs? Is it Easter yet? (we told him the baby will come after Easter)

Why are the trees wiggling? (Regarding the trees blowing in the wind)

Conversations with a three-year-old can be so fun. Trying to explain the world in ways he understands can be trying at times, but the process if fascinating.

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weight loss in pregnancy causes | Being a Mother Lite or Proving Yourself as a Mother of One

weight loss in pregnancy causes

As this pregnancy continues on and the likelihood that Ill be able to hold a living child in my arms later this year increases, Ive noticed an odd sense of relief. Not that my child might live - no, that relief is not odd at all - but relief that I might finally be considered a "real mother".

Thats a strange phrase, I know. By "real mother" I dont mean biological mother. (I think adoptive mothers are just as "real" as biological mothers.) And youre really either a mother or youre not, right? I have a daughter, so I am certainly a mother. But thats not how other people always see me. As the mother of one, Im often regarded by other mothers as more of a fluke than a "real mother", somehow a little less than or maybe a "mother lite". Its as if the real test of motherhood is the ability to juggle the responsibilities of multiple children and not in fact the ability to mother the child(ren) you do have.

No one looks to a mother of one as a parenting expert. No one asks a mother of one for advice. No matter how well a child turns out, it can always just be attributed to "luck", the childs particular temperament and personality, or even to the environment in which the child was born, but certainly not that childs mother. There is always this elephant in the room: "But what if she had to deal with a truly difficult child?" or "Im sure Junior would have turned out well no matter what she did."

Of course, nature plays a role in how children develop. We all know that person who excelled despite a terrible home environment or child who turned to a life of crime despite wonderful parents. But nurture surely has a say too. Unless youre the mother of an only child. In that case, your nurturing played no role. No matter how much time you spend agonizing over parenting decisions and loving and caring for your child, you really just dont have that much effect. Because youre the mother of one and you are and always will be inexperienced, bumbling through motherhood without the opportunity to practice your mothering skills on more little souls.

Im exaggerating a bit, obviously. Certainly not everyone treats me this way, but I regularly receive comments that allude to this sort of thinking and on several occasions have been told point blank that my experience or input doesnt matter because Im only the mom of one. I dont want to be seen as a parenting expert or be sought out for advice, but I want to be taken seriously in conversations about parenting and children (and lets face it, pretty much every get together with other moms is dominated by these conversations). I dont want to have to fight to be acknowledged as a "real mother" and I want the real, hard efforts I make as a mom to be recognized. Im tired of having to always justify something that I have no control over. I didnt ask to be the mother of only one.

Yes, in many ways being a mom of one is easier than being a mom of many (or even just two). But thank goodness for that because its nice to have a little bit of consolation while Im dealing with the difficulties of recurrent loss and secondary infertility. Ill be the first to admit that there are benefits to an only child, yet I shouldnt be made to feel guilty that I enjoy those benefits. There are also some ways in which having an only child is harder, and Im tired of having to pretend those dont exist or else be told that they dont.

So here I am, most likely about to end my time as a mother of "only one". I will no longer have to deal with this. But so many others will. And I wish there were an answer, a way of making all mothers feel like valuable, capable, "real" mothers. I dont know what that answer is, but I want every mother of one to know that you are a mother in every sense of the word. Having another child would change many things about the way you parent, but it would not make you any more a mother. The love you have for a child and the sacrifices you make matter just as much as the love and sacrifices of a mother of many. Your life is different, but it is not less valuable. Your motherhood is whole, even if your hands are not full.

After all, the mother of our Savior was the mother of "only" One, yet her Son thought her mothering spirit and experience was sufficient to give her as a mother to us all.

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