6 week pregnancy weight loss program | Volunteer Photographers sought

6 week pregnancy weight loss program

If youre a photographer, please consider volunteering.  For so many of us, all we have are photos.  All I have are photos taken by a nurse.  I didnt get to see or hold Solomon.


https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/volunteer/volunteer-membership-information/

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rapid weight loss during pregnancy | Coconut Oil

rapid weight loss during pregnancy

I love coconut oil!  I use it for lip balm, lotion, cooking and several other things! Its pretty much amazing. Its anti-inflamatory, anti-microbial, anti-viral and helps you to absorb more nutrients from your food. You can use it for moisturizer and even deodorant.   Kael thinks its pretty awesome, too.  He wanted to put some on his lips yesterday, so I let him. Then, I just watched as he continued to rub it all in his hair and eat finger scoops of it. He must have been listening to me earlier when I was telling Sam how good it is for curly hair...haha.  I figured the mess would be minimal and he was having fun experimenting with the texture. Needless to say,  Kael smells like a tropical beach boy. =)

Have you ever used coconut oil? Here is an amazing link that tells you over 100 different uses for it! CLICK HERE  Do you have a favorite recipe or usage for it? Id love to hear! 

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post pregnancy weight loss yoga | Alison Bat Mitzvah

post pregnancy weight loss yoga

On Friday June 20, 2014 Alison became a Bat Mitzvah.  For months, weeks and days Ive worked on planning the party while she worked on learning her Torah portion. The whole process of planning was very emotional.  I cried almost every day while putting together her video montage.  Then I cried during the service, more tears of joy than sorrow.  How did the time fly by so quickly?

And it occurred to me a few times I should have been working on a Bar Mitzvah last year. I prayed to Solomon to just watch over her, and I think sometimes he does.

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reasons for weight loss during pregnancy | Heart Thoughts on Motherhood

reasons for weight loss during pregnancy

Its hitting me. The reality that this new, small soul is mine. Around 5 am, as Cedar finished up his early morning and very sleepy feeding, I couldnt put him down. My body longed for those extra 2 hours of sleep that I knew it would get if I laid him back in his co-sleeper. But, my eyes couldnt leave his face and my arms wouldnt let go. I sat there for almost an hour, staring at him and his dreaming smiles. I put my face to his cheek, as his tiny breaths kissed my cheek thinking, "is this love even for real?"

Now, when I nurse Cedar, hell stop for a moment, look at me and smile. I cant help but soak up these moments. Every morning, without fail, his expressions are full of wonder. Its as if he realizes how long he has been asleep and he cant wait to have open eyes again, discovering exciting things like the ceiling fan and his brother zooming toys in front of his face. haha. He wants to stand up constantly, bobbing his head around trying to look ever which way. Ah! Ive probably kissed him over a thousand times since hes been born, I cant help it. Ive stood in front of my old, gold mirror, countless times as Ive held him,  just so I could stare at his dreamy face, all smooshed up against my chest. These are days that Ive been dreaming of for years. Sometimes, I have to stand back and acknowledge the moment before is passes by.

Samuel said this to me after we got engaged, "Lets promise each other that no matter what, we wont lose the wonder that we have for each other." That has been a pillar in my heart and its taken weight into my momma heart as well. In the moments, when one child is whining and the other crying, where a shower is my only form of alone time and a greek yogurt in a nursing bra and yoga pants is my only real meal of the day...not to lose the wonder of my boys and wonder of being their safe place.

In weeks like this, when Ive had bright days and cloudy ones, my heart is gripped with this truth, motherhood is a sacred and beautiful gift. Its a messy one, a painful one, its tiring and beyond beautiful...it breaks your heart and then heals it. It has made me more alive to love and the beauty of vulnerability. Im saying that in the "infant" stages, if you will, of my journey as a momma, knowing that Ive barely skimmed the surface of what being a mom truly means. There are millions of moments that my heart has yet to experience, laughs it hasnt seen, tears it hasnt cried and wisdom its waiting to learn.

I love being a momma.

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natural weight loss during pregnancy | Remember Windland

natural weight loss during pregnancy

I wrote this on July 8th. 

"The word "tradition" itself derives from the Latin tradere or traderer literally meaning to transmit, to hand over, to give for safekeeping. "

Today, it rained, then the sun came out. It rained again and once more, the sun decided to have the last act of the day, not much different than most days this month. But, July 8th is a day that will forever be noted on my calendar. It was the projected due date of my baby, Windland, that we lost a year and a half ago in a miscarriage. I wrote my heart about that time here and here.

I cried only once, maybe twice today. I realize that Ive come so far and grown so deeply. Ive grown  in love, in pain, in joy, in compassion, in questioning, in peace,  in empathy, in beauty, and in the raw realities of living. Ive lived in the darkest canyons of grief in the deepest ocean, craving water instead of air to fill my lungs and Ive been pulled up to the surface of the living, of light and oxygen and love. Cedar really was my rescuer. Hes been the sweetest of sweet joys that a soul could be, given to help comfort and heal. I cannot put into words the love and adoration that I feel towards this happy little boy.  In the same tone though, there is a piece of my heart that will always be missing and aching. I made sure that today, I did something to remember my little love that breezed by our lives a year and a half ago.

Recently, one of my closest friends lost her baby in a miscarriage. It was a tragic and devastating loss. While in the process of grieving with her,  I had a dream. I dont typically dream much. But, in this dream, I dreamed of a little girl with curls, like Kaels but a bit longer and lighter. She was around 2 years old, but was speaking more like a 5 year old. She was showing Cedar and Kael how to skip rocks on a creek bank. Almost being a little momma. All 3 of them were giggling. She turned around and smiled at me and I saw her face. She was mine. "Oh, youre my Windland!?" I said. She nodded and smiled,  then went back to playing as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I woke up. I didnt want to wake up. Whether that was a real dream or not, it comforted my soul immensely.

Creating beauty in the mundane and seeing the good in front of me, instead of only the awful is a driving part of me.  I like to think that this passion is in all of my children; a bit of my wild love for life and people, living and thriving in them.   I live to celebrate and to love. So, to pass by today with only tears, didnt seem natural to me. I had to do something. I thought to myself, Windland was and is my child, a small spirit that I want to blow a kiss to. A kiss with love and maybe somehow an embrace.   So, this afternoon as the boys played, I went outside and thought about the winds of love this baby created. My Windland wasnt a purposeless life. Theres something about making traditions, physically doing, saying or singing something that attaches the dreams, loves or aches of our heart to reality and something good, some kind of hope? I wanted Windland to have one. I needed to have one.

I let the day play out naturally, enjoying the boys and then I found myself outside, making a tiny little crown of greenery from the woods in our back yard. This is for her, I thought. Cedar came out with me for a  bit, playing with the leaves and curling vines. As I wove the stems together, I reflected on the time I had felt, before the pain, and tried to harness that joy and elation. Then, coming back inside the house, I sat down and wrote out her name, as beautifully as I could. It was a sweet moment, in the middle of the crazy, right before dinner time.  Each bend and curve of my pen felt sacred, somehow connecting me to her. I started off to scribble a little note on the other side of the paper when, what started off as a sweet letter, soon turned into a gentle tear and then into heart gushing, finishing with a settled soul and maybe even a smile.  In a way, it made me feel happy that I found my own tradition to celebrate the tiny heart that forever changed me.

For the short time my baby was here, Windlands  sweet breeze created beauty just by her presence. The wonder of winter turning into spring, heart break fading into love and disappointment evolving into hope is something I know. Cedar wouldnt have even been a possibility if I hadnt miscarried, seeing I got surprisingly pregnant with him 2 short weeks later. Cedar is my springtime, my love, my little hope that carries the gentle truth of redemption. Am I still sad? Yeah, I am. Can I imagine or think of life without my Cedar baby? Not even for a second. Thats the complicated reality of life and love, I suppose.


"Willow"
by: Songs of Water
We hung our harps on the willow tree, still the wind formed hands and plucked out its melodies. 
Our hearts rejoiced as if it were a dream, when the seeds of our tears became a field of wheat. 
Look what hes done, look what hes done for us. He turned our songless night into a symphony of praise.

http://www.reverbnation.com/songsofwater/song/5106298-willow

This was written by a friend of ours, who lost his best friend in an accident right before finding out he and his wife were pregnant with their first child.  The first verse is my favorite: "We hung our harps on the willow trees, still the wind formed hands and plucked out its melodies." The first half of that line is referencing Psalm 137:2, when the Jewish nation was forced out of their land to live captive, pretty much as slaves, in the land of the then current super power. They had lost all heart, joy and hope. "Hanging up your harps" was like "throwing in the towel." They were done with expecting good. The grief and heartbreak was too much.  The part saying, "Still the wind formed hands and plucked out its melodies..." Good lord. I listened to this song again, randomly after I had already named Windland and gotten pregnant with Cedar. I burst into tears when the words spilled over into my soul and the gently, haunting chorus filled up my car. Somehow, they were good tears. It comforted me. In some way, a song settled the confusion of my heart, as I was looking for a place to put my emotions. It gave word and tone to the meaning of my disillusioned state. My brain thinks in imagery so, it was the language I needed to hear.  Even in the sadness, my little breeze played a melody. A perfect little song, named Cedar.


As I am sitting here, writing the thoughts of today,  both of my boys are laughing and screaming as loud as they possibly can, as their daddy tickles and chases them around the living room. Cedar, the pure delight of my soul, goes from moods of happiness to frustration, as he realizes he cant run and jump like his big brother can, although hes walking. What? How did that happen?  Kaels curls are a glowing crown of wild, in the early evening light, and I want to kiss his chubby cheeks a thousand times over. Im soaking up this sweet moment, as if it were the last time my ears would ever again be able to hear the sound of joy. Soaking in the moment has become a gift that has been strengthened in my heart. The art of clinging to the good, pausing and acknowledging the beauty that is in front of me has become my moment by moment practice. Telling my children that I love them is my mantra, holding them to my heart is my physical prayer.  Life has taught and is teaching me this gift.


Today, Im remembering. Im remembering the joy of telling my best friends that I was pregnant, jumping around ChickFila like a crazy person. Im remembering the elation that I felt, when calling my friend Kristina in Florida, squealing on the phone and talking forever that night about this baby being redemption, after such a sad season. There was joy. Im remembering the look on Sams face and him instantly telling me girl names that he loved. I remember feeling Windlands goodness inside of my soul, at the kitchen sink and singing to her. I remember loving and dreaming. This is what Im remembering today.


Windland Sweetheart, 

You were and still are a beautiful dream. Our dream... my dream. 

I love you forever. 

Momma

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pregnancy after weight loss surgery | Parenting Getting Over My Fear of Water

pregnancy after weight loss surgery

Growing up, I spent a lot of time around water. From swimming in the Pacific Ocean to swimming in pools, lakes and creeks. I taught myself how to swim at a young age and loved every moment.

At some point that love disappeared. Well, thats not entirely true. I still love water, but I hate to be in a swimsuit. Maybe it happened in college when I gained my freshman 15+, but I quit swimming. Daniel and I would take trips to the beach and we would bike, comb the beach or kayak, but we rarely got in the water

Then Jack came along and I felt like a change was needed. It wasnt fair to keep Jack from experiencing the joy of the water just because I dont like to wear swimsuits. 

Another issue is that with kids has come a fear of water that didnt exist before. I read articles about kids drowning or secondary drowning and I want to stay far, far away from water. Then there is the fact that I have fair-skinned kiddos... I think about the sun reflecting off the water and the fear of skin cancer creeps into mind mind and again, I just want to stay far, far away.

But the truth is, being a parent brings its share of fears and I cant let those fears deter me from letting my kids experience life to its fullest. So while last summer we only went to the pool twice, this summer I am determined to take my kids more regularly.

Yesterday our small group from church kicked off the summer with a pool party. Daniel and I have two of the youngest kids in our group. Thankfully Daniel was there to help me juggle Jack and Isaac. He spent the whole time in the pool with Jack and Jack loved it. I got in with Isaac for a bit and he was a bit more ambivalent about the experience.

I got teased for having my kids covered in long-sleeve rash guards and hats – not much skin exposed. But to be fair, I had forgotten our sunblock and even though it was after 4pm, I didnt want my kids to get burnt. 

Daniel and I are pretty laid back parents, but pools are one of the few places I am going to have to work on being more relaxed, while also being super watchful.

Heres to a safe summer spent with more time in the water.

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overnight weight loss during pregnancy | Backyard Friends

overnight weight loss during pregnancy

Warm days are treasures to me! Weve had SO much rain and unseasonably chilly weather that a sunny day is kind of sacred now. Lorean, one of my closest girlfriends, dropped by my house last week with her kids Micah and Asher. (Who I adore like my own!)  Micah and Kael have been buddies since they were born and it was all squeals and giggles on our back deck, as Micah doused Kael with the water hose. He kept yelling for her to get him and she gladly obliged, haha.  They were both in heaven. When I heard all of their happy laughs and screams, I jumped outside to take a few pictures. I love these crazy kids so much and I love how they are growing up together. I cant believe they will both be 3 this year?! (tears) Memories of gold for me right here. 

BTW, If you have dont have a kiddie pool, put your water hose on "mist!" its the best water gun and source of entertainment for warm days at our house! 

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baby losing weight during teething | Sometimes Life is Just Strange

baby losing weight during teething

Sometimes life is just strange and I find myself giving my head a whack with the back of my hand.

Alison asked about Solomon.  Alison asks a lot of questions and she is not the type of child who is easily pacified.  I often have to ask her to ask me the question again in a few days, when I have had time to think of and formulate a solid answer for her.

She asked how Solomon died.  How do you explain pPROM to a ten-year old?  Somehow I managed an answer.  She knew that when a baby is in a moms tummy, the baby is swimming in water.  I told her this was special fluid that helps the baby breath, like a fish.  I explained how my water came out.  She asked if this is what it means when the water breaks so I know she understands a little of the mechanics.

I told her usually the water breaks when a mommy is 9 months pregnant and the baby is ready to be born.  But in my case, the water came out at 5 months.  And because the water helped Solomon breath and grow, and the water was gone, he died.

She got it.  She totatly seemed to understand, and went on to resume playing.  Go figure.

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after pregnancy weight loss tips hindi | Life Updates

after pregnancy weight loss tips hindi

I

Thanks all for the prayers for our baby. I had our follow up ultrasound on Tuesday and babys enlarged kidney has gotten only slightly worse. Everything else looked great. Apparently its very common to have an enlarged kidney show up in an ultrasound (something like 1 in 50 pregnancies, from what Ive read) and usually it turns out to be nothing. Well follow up with a pediatric urologist after the baby is born.

II

Recently, many friends and family members have been commenting about how I must be a few weeks from my due date/due any time now. Ha ha ha. Im only 32 weeks today, so apparently this doesnt just feel like an extremely long pregnancy to me but to everyone else as well. Still two full months to go, most likely.

III

As for what strangers think, I get a pretty even mix of "I cant believe youre that far along already, you look tiny!" and "Oh my, youre huge already! How can you have two more months?" Which I find kind of hilarious, because Ive often gotten those same comments within five minutes of each other so its cant be chalked up to what Im wearing that day. What drastically different perceptions people have of what pregnant women are "supposed" to look like at each stage in pregnancy! For the record, I dont think I look "tiny" (Im short, so thats pretty much impossible in pregnancy - baby can only go out) but I am much smaller than I was with Lucia at this point. And I recently looked at pictures of me at 41 weeks with Lucia and believe me, it can get much, much bigger than this.

You be the judge. This is after Mass last Sunday - 31 weeks.

IV

I loved all the comments and suggestions on my baby name consultation over at Sancta Nomina (and the Facebook post where I shared it). We have two middle names that are front runners (including one Kate suggested) and two others that are wildcards (including one that wasnt mentioned in the consultation but one reader suggested in the comments on the Facebook post!) and I think were just going to wait until the baby is born to decide. If we have a boy, we wont need to worry about it. If we have a girl, it will be fun to save a little bit of the baby naming until the last minute since weve had our boy name chosen before Lucia was even born and our girls name chosen for at least three or so years. I love thinking and talking about baby names so having some kind of dilemma is fun for me.

V

I have a list of things to do before the baby is born. Not much baby related items on it, more of stuff that I figure is easier to do without a newborn to care for. Things like repaint my "sewing table" (its an old vanity), and recover the stool. Finish (and basically start!) Lucias baby book. Im also going to be helping my family go through my grandparents storage unit and hopefully have a garage sale. And I want to finish knitting a blanket for my niece and then knit one for the baby, along with two hats - one pink and one blue - to bring to the birth center. Were waiting to put up the crib and install the car seat, pack the diaper bag, etc. until October, which still seems so far away.

VI

Lucia is such a fun age right now. (For reference, shell be four in December.) Im fairly certain Ive said that about every age and stage so far - and I dont really think I could pick a favorite age - but she says and does such sweet, hilarious, and oddball things that our days together are always interesting. Her favorite thing to do right now is play "mommy and little girl" (or boy when played with daddy) and her ideas of what moms say and do are so, so funny. I get to be the little girl and she always calls me "little girl" despite me trying to explain that mothers usually call their children by a name. "Little girl, its time to go to school." "Dont forget your lunchbox, little girl!" Im fairly certain that her parenting doesnt resemble mine at all, so Im not sure exactly where she gets her ideas from, but its very fun(ny) to watch her be a mom. It also makes me super excited to see her interact with the baby since she seems to have some odd ideas of how to care for babies too.

VII

Its been a little quiet around the blog and facebook page. Not on purpose, but I havent had much to say. All is going well and the further along I get, the more it feels like a "normal" pregnancy. My midwife appointments are every other week now and Im starting to think about the labor and birth. I still have a very hard time envisioning an actual baby in a few months time, but that doesnt seem to be out of the ordinary for any pregnant woman, regardless of whether shes had past losses or not. A new human being added to this world, to our family is a really hard concept to grasp.

And...its pretty amazing that I was able to come up with seven things to talk about so lets join Kelly, shall we?

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pregnancy weight loss in first trimester | On Loss and Marriage

pregnancy weight loss in first trimester

A couple weekends ago, my husband and I headed up to the mountains for our fifth anniversary. It was our first getaway as a couple since our honeymoon. It was perfect. We stayed at a darling bed and breakfast, ate way too much good food, and did not much else. Throughout the weekend, I constantly came back to the thought that this was really, really good for us. Its important for all married couples to have times of relaxation and enjoyment together, but it struck me as especially needed for a couple who has undergone difficult emotional trauma.

Couples who have gone through the loss of a child (pregnancy loss included) have a much higher divorce rate for a reason. After our second loss, I found myself utterly surprised by how altered our marriage had become. I found myself avoiding my husband because he had become a reminder of the pain of our losses. I couldnt even look at him without the sharp reminder of the babies we lost. There was a part of me to felt that it would be easier if we were no longer together, if I no longer had him around as a constant reminder. If we went our separate ways, it would would be so much easier to pretend our losses never existed, and without that constant reminder, then maybe the pain would be a little less.

These were all fleeting thoughts, of course, nothing I ever dwelt on. And they were most certainly lies. The pain of separating from my husband, the only person who knew and loved the children we lost as intimately as I did, would have only brought more pain to our losses. (Not to mention the pain it would bring to our living child, to our families, and to every other aspect of our lives.) No matter how much I tried, no matter what lengths I would have gone through, it would have been futile to try to ignore the pain of our losses anyway; its much healthier to confront and heal that pain and we could only truly do that together.

When I think of the short lives of four miscarried children, I want them to have meaning. I want them to, despite the pain of loss, bring good into the world and that starts right here with their family. What good would come from their short lives and deaths if they put a wedge between their parents?

Looking back at the most difficult points of our marriage after loss, its so very clear how Satan uses our times of pain and weakness. Christian marriages are reflection of the beauty and goodness of God. The procreative aspect of those marriages is a very visible sign to the world of power of love. When something goes wrong with the life-giving element of marriage (be it infertility or loss), doubts creep in as to the validity of the marriage, or if not the validity at least the value.

And then there is the guilt. One member of the couple usually feels all the weight and blame of loss and fertility issues. Even when there is no no firm diagnosis, the woman usually pulls the guilt upon herself. Its hard to bridge that gap, to feel like infertility/loss is happening go both of you together instead of one of you pushing it upon the other. Its easy to believe that you are at fault, preventing your partner from having the children they deserve, wondering if he isnt better off with someone else who can give him living children. Humans are bodies and souls and as much as wed like to separate our spiritual life, the brokenness of the body can often lead to brokenness in the soul.

Four losses in less than a year and a half. Surgery. Another pregnancy. I wish I could say that this pregnancy has helped to heal our wounds, and Im still hopeful that after the birth of our child the healing will come, but so far its only seemed to deepen them. Or at least call attention to them in a way that is no longer possible to ignore. The wounds are still there, but our approach is different. Were no longer pulling away from each other, but turning toward one another in our sorrow. We grieve differently, my husband more stoic and silent, my tears and pain more visible and vocal, but instead of letting those differences pull us apart, were learning to care for each others individual needs. I feel guilty that my body failed to nurture our children, David feels helpless as he watches me continue to go through trauma he would do anything to relieve. Together were working on finding other fruits and creative outlets for our marriage, so that its value doesnt hinge solely on our fertility.

As we sat up in our room the mountains, we talked about our favorite moments and the blessings of our first five years of marriage. The conversation was more somber than we would have ever expected it to be. Between mentioning milestones and cherished memories, there were long pauses where we silently thought about the sorrows and struggles which, at least numerically, outnumber the hallmark moments. But reflecting on those difficult times gave us the ability to rejoice in the strength and durability of our marriage, the flexibility wed found and the lessons weve learned. We understood the importance of leaving room in for God (and for heartache and tragedy and time to rebuild) in our future goals, of setting priorities instead of milestones, and thinking eternally,

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post pregnancy weight loss stories | Isaacs First Hike

post pregnancy weight loss stories

Practically located in our back yard, The Green Gorge Trail on Signal Mountain is becoming our go to for a quick family hike. 

It is 2 miles long, but by crossing bridges you can easily do one of two 1-mile loops. One mile seems to be the max Jack can handle on his own right now.

One of the biggest difference between a first baby and second baby is how quickly you get on with life as usual. When Jack was born we had a steep learning curve and it seemed to take forever to do anything.

The first hike we took Jack on was when he was 5 months old and it took a ton of gear. Granted it was a longer hike and we did it on a Sunday after church, but with Isaac, we just get in the car and go. We didnt even take a diaper bag!

With Isaac strapped to me in the Ergo carrier and Jack walking, we made our way through the woods. Jack insisted we walk in the creek for a ways (he would have stayed in the creek the entire time if we let him). 

Initially just Daniel and Jack walked in the creek, but Jack wouldnt leave me and Isaac behind: "Come on Mommy, you need to stay close!"

In the woods, it wasnt too hot. When we reached the swing bridge, Jack wanted to go longer. Since it was our half-way point, we told him that we needed to head back to the car. 

Jack was not excited about the prospect of going back to the car so soon and didnt understand that we still had to walk a ways. 

Overall it was a great little family hike. Jack got to stomp around in the creek, cross the swing bridge, get muddy and walk on logs. Isaac slept through the entire walk.

Daniel tracked our route with Map My Run and we did a 70-minute mile! Ha! Hiking with kids is definitely a slower endeavor than walking without (Daniel and I normally average 20-minute miles on the trail). 

But hiking with kids offers a slower pace where you focus more on the scenery and enjoy being together. We talked about what plants not to touch and answered all kinds of questions. 

We are looking forward to doing more activities with our boys as they get older and stronger.

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pregnancy weight loss in third trimester | Will you try again Thoughts on another pregnancy after a pregnancy after loss

pregnancy weight loss in third trimester

Recently, weve had several people ask whether we would have try for more children after this pregnancy. None of them were nosy strangers; they were all people who knew about our losses and are generally concerned about our future, know that we have wanted a large family and also the toll that several miscarriages have had on us.

We dont really have a definitive answer at this point. Truly, I dont feel comfortable making that decision now...or ever. I just cant say that well never have more children because we really do try to take it one month at a time. Since this baby isnt even here yet, I have no idea where well be physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially when my cycles return (it took 11 months after Lucia was born, so were looking at somewhere around October 2016 before wed even need to make a decision of any kind). But, it is something we do think about and talk about and so heres where were at right now.

My pregnancy, labor, and delivery were Lucia was incredibly affirming of our desire for a large family. Aside from the normal symptoms of morning sickness in the first trimester and heartburn in the third, I felt wonderful my entire pregnancy. The pregnancy was textbook perfect, without a single complication. The labor and delivery were also complication and intervention free. And I was probably one of the most laid back pregnant women - I never once called my midwives with questions, never worried about my health or the health of the baby, I cant remember ever being anxious or confused or scared about any aspect of pregnancy. After Lucia was born, I was so confident in the ability of my body to create and nurture children and I looked forward to the pregnancies to come and the large family we would have.

That pregnancy was such a gift. I know so many women who have never been able to have that experience. Their first pregnancies ended in miscarriage, or were overshadowed with serious complications or mental health issues, or came after years of infertility struggles which left them with little confidence in their bodies abilities to do what should come naturally.

But early motherhood for me came easy, physically and emotionally. Even after Lucia was here, being a mom seemed natural and I never struggled with my changing roles. I always wanted to be a mother and when I became one, everything about it seemed so intuitive. It all seemed like an affirmation of where my life was going; if motherhood felt so right - physically, emotionally, practically - then didnt it make sense that I would have many children, the chance to replicate these experiences over and over?
________________

My due date for this baby is exactly three weeks shy of four years since my due date with Lucia. We certainly didnt expect our children to be this far apart in age. Many couples wait much longer than we have for a living child. We know that while our path hasnt been easy, it could have been much more difficult and we are grateful for our blessings. But we are also wary for our future.

This pregnancy has been very trying for me. After four miscarriages, the belief that my body knows what its supposed to do, or even that its a safe place for our child, is no longer intact. Physically this pregnancy is much more difficult and I constantly feel worn down and in some form of pain. Its nothing to complain about really, its all within the realm of "normal" for a pregnancy and certainly is worth enduring for my child, but it is another reminder that my body isnt quite so conducive to pregnancy as I once thought. Emotionally, this pregnancy has been strenuous and when I look ahead to future pregnancies, I cant imagine that theyll be much easier. Its tempting to try to assume that a healthy labor, delivery, and baby at the end of this pregnancy will heal much of the pain of the past and make future pregnancies easier, but it seems much more likely that the scars will remain long after this pregnancy.

At this point, the thought of ever getting pregnant again is terrifying. I cannot count the times during this pregnancy, during moments of extreme anxiety, when Ive made my husband promise wed never, ever try to get pregnant again.  Just the thought of trying is panic inducing. Attempting to conceive a child is not an exciting, hope-filled endeavor for us anymore. After all, two-thirds of our children have died, a sobering statistic that sucks the joy out of thoughts of growing our family. We have no way of knowing whether I carried past the first trimester this time because of the surgery that removed endometriosis or whether this was just a random occurrence. Perhaps endometriosis wasnt even the problem in the first place, and the real issue is still there. I have no idea what my chances are for future miscarriages. As anxiety-ridden as it has been, I believe I could probably handle another healthy pregnancy, but Im not entirely sure I could cope with more miscarriages or a complication-riddled pregnancy. I have obligations to care for husband and living children and worry that attempts to expand our family further would prevent me from caring for the family I already have.

Perhaps after this baby is born, our future fertility plans will become more clear. I pray that circumstances may change so that we might still have the large family we always longed for. Im young enough that I have more than a decade of fertility ahead of me, so I assume we will try again at some point. However, because I had endometriosis, which even after surgery has a high chance for coming back (and only gets worse over time), there is a lot of pressure to get pregnant again right away. I dont think well do that and perhaps Ill need to have surgery again later down the road if we decide to try for more children. Perhaps Ill have more miscarriages. Maybe Ill suffer from secondary infertility.

Looking ahead at our future family, we acknowledge that its entirely possible that, for whatever reason, this baby may be our last living child. Its a thought that brings me sadness but, at the same time, a measure of relief. Knowing that, if we find ourselves in the position of needing to, we can avoid pregnancy the rest of our childbearing years is a blessing. Its not a decision we take lightly; we are dedicated to being open to life and not using artificial means to prevent pregnancy and would welcome any surprise children God sent our way, but having that option is something we need to know is available to us. We are blessed in that while NFP has been emotionally draining when trying to conceive and navigate the medical side of miscarriage, its been pretty easy for us to utilize to avoid pregnancy and I wonder if this is not the reason why - because perhaps well need to use it for many, many years.

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