baby losing weight in first week | My Grief Checklist

baby losing weight in first week

We all made it to Colorado safely! Since were still busy unpacking and with a wedding this weekend (Im matron of honor and Lucia is flower girl), I thought Id resurrect another miscarriage post from my old blog. This post originally appeared on December 13, 2013, a couple months after my first miscarriage on Messy Wife, Blessed Life. Ive updated it a bit to reflect my additional losses. This also got me thinking about what I need right now, a sort of "Pregnancy After Loss Checklist", so I might just have to write a post about that soon.
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A contributor of one of the pregnancy loss ebooks I read (Sunshine After the Storm) wrote this about a "grief checklist":

This is a tool to help you build a list to help others help you. Friends and family may not have any idea of what would be helpful to you.  It is wonderful when people just DO things, but often they may ask you what you need...

Ive been thinking quite a bit about what would have been helpful right after my losses (and what would be helpful still).  The first few days, I had no idea how I felt, and therefore didnt know what exactly I needed.  I received some kind offers for help from friends, but I didnt take them up on them.  In hindsight, I should have.  After about a week, I could tell people exactly what I needed, but at that point, most had stopped asking if they could help and I didnt feel comfortable asking.  

Im totally in agreement with the quote above - it was much more helpful for someone to just DO than to ASK.  Just call and say you are bringing over dinner.  Just call and say, "Im coming over so you dont have to be alone." or "Im picking up Lucia so you and David can spend time together."  If I really didnt want you to, I would say so.  But if you ask if you can do those things, I will most likely say no because as much as I know I should accept help, I hate to inconvenience others. 

Im not writing this as a guideline of what you should do if you have a friend who has experienced pregnancy loss or what you yourself will need if you go through this.  This is a list of my own personal needs, though I suspect that many women have similar needs (many of these ideas I got through reading about others experiences and realizing Yes, that would help me too.)  Grief is different for everyone; some women will find comfort in certain things that would only further the pain for other, but you can use this as a jumping off point for writing your own list or coming up with ideas to help those you love.

I should also mention that I dont expect any one person to do all the things on this list - one person sending flowers after a loss and another person asking how Im doing and a third person sending a card on a special date - thats all I need. Dont feel like you need to be everything to your friend or family member who has had a loss. Do what you can - hopefully she has a strong support system that together will fill all her needs.

• Say "Im sorry". I know its hard to say the perfect thing (is there a perfect thing to say anyway?) but its unfortunately easy to say something unintentionally hurtful, especially if you havent experienced a loss yourself.  You cant go wrong with a simple, "Im sorry for your loss".  
• Tell me you are praying for me. And then pray.  A lot.
• Acknowledge that I lost a CHILD.  A baby. A person. A unique human being.  Do not use a euphemism like "tissue" or "pregnancy" or "possibility of a child" or "opportunity".  A good rule of thumb for what to say after a loss is to only say things you would say to a parent that lost a 10 year old.  Would you tell them, "You can always get pregnant again"? For me, that meant that the speaker didnt recognize my child was unique and could never be replaced.  I dont just mourn the fact that I wont have a baby to hold come May, but I miss that specific, irreplaceable child with his/her own personality, preferences and quirks.  
• Dont call my baby an "angel".  This is something thats very specific to me, Im sure many other mothers dont mind or actually prefer "angel baby".  Im not sure if there are any Christian faiths that believe that people in heaven become angels, but as a Catholic, I believe that angels are beings created separately from humans.  I believe my children most likely in heaven.  But wings?  No.  I want my child to be celebrated for what he/she really is - a child of God who is in heaven with Him.  I understand the good intentions behind this, but similar to how I imagine atheists feel when you try to comfort them by telling them their loved one is in heaven, its not comforting to me to be told that my child is something I dont believe he/she can be. 
• Ask me about it.  I want to talk about it, but its a hard topic for me to bring up, especially if I dont know how you might react.  Ask me how I am doing.  Ask me if I want to talk about it.  Ask me to tell you about how the actual miscarriage happened.  Ask me about my feelings and my fears.  If I really am not feeling like talking about it, I will just tell you.  But I dont know if Ive ever felt that way - Im still dying to talk about it to anyone who asks.  And if you worry about what to say in return, you dont have to say much.  Just listen.  You can ask questions if you have them.  It does not open a wound for you to bring it up - believe me, two months later it is still the foremost thought on my mind.
• Ask me my babys name.  Seriously, it was the most touching thing when someone asked me if we named our child, if I minded sharing the name, and then when they used the name in conversation.  I havent shared the name publicly yet, I just havent felt comfortable doing so, but I have been happy to share the name with friends and family one-on-one.  
• Dont ignore it.  Whatever you do, dont act like it never happened.  It did happen.  One of my greatest fears is that no one else will remember this child of mine existed.  Remind me that you still remember.
• Ask me how Im doing. One of my biggest struggles is feeling like people expect me to already be over it.  I felt that way within a week of the miscarriage because after the initial round of "Im sorries", very few mentioned it or asked me how I was doing.  Just having a few people checking in on me periodically made me feel like I had the "approval" to still be mourning and struggling.  I dont know why but I really needed (and still need) friends and family to acknowledge that its normal and expected that Im not "over it" and havent "moved on" yet.
• Spend time with me.  Just come over and sit with me.  Its hard to be alone with my thoughts during the day when David is gone.
• Send me flowers. People send flowers when a baby is born.  When a person dies.  I so badly wanted flowers because I felt like they signified that my baby was real, that the loss was real. Just ask my husband - in the few days following the miscarriage, I told him many times, "I wish someone would just send us flowers." Thankfully, Davids coworkers sent us a beautiful bouquet and I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders when it arrived at the front door.
• Send a card. I received only one card after my miscarriage and it meant so, so much to me.  I will keep that card forever. When someone loses a loved one, people send cards and just like the flowers, it was significant to me because it told me that the sender acknowledged that I actually lost a a child.  It is also something physical that I can hold and look at to remember my babys short life - with a miscarriage, especially an early one, there arent many physical mementos for the parents to keep.
• Give me something to remember my baby by. Again, something physical that I can hold and touch when it gets hard and all I want to do is hold and touch my baby.  Something concrete that reminds me that other people knew my baby existed, that my baby was real and not just a creation of my mind.  Some ideas: a rosary or prayer card, a baby item (hat, booties, etc.), something with the babys name on it, a Christmas ornament that I can hang for our baby every year. 
• Offer specific help with the day-to-day tasks.  For me, its so hard to keep the household running smoothly when I cant focus on anything but the overwhelming sadness.  The first few weeks were even more difficult because I was also physically weak.  Everything is difficult - laundry, grocery shopping, making dinner.  Even playing with Lucia is hard.  I am doing better now, but especially those first few weeks were riddled with guilt on top of grief - guilt that I was not able to focus on Lucia, I lost patience with her, often just needed to lay in bed all day, and I was overall not able to care for her like I should have because I was so wrapped up in my own sadness.  If you could take her somewhere fun or just come play with her while I rest, that would be wonderful.  Bring me dinner (or gift cards for take out).  Drop off groceries and household staples like toilet paper. 
• Remember these dates with me: October 10 and May 8 (Francis Michael), February 21 and September 17 (Julian Gabriel), June 25 (Adrienne Rafael), December 19 and July 21 (Christian Michael).  The first is the day I lost my baby.  The second is my expected due date.  (Adrienne was an early loss and I dont know exactly what day I lost her, so I only remember the due date.) Ive gone through quite a due dates and even the one year anniversary of Francis Michaels due date (when he would be turning one) and they continue to be hard. If you sent me a card on those days, or called me, or plan to spend time with me on those days, I would feel a little less alone.  Also, holidays, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Mothers Day will be hard.  Let me know youre specifically thinking and praying for me on those days.  And not just this first year, every year on those dates and holidays has been difficult.
• Use delicacy when announcing/discussing your pregnancies. I dont want you to hide your joy or to feel like Im not happy for you.  Because I am, I am so, so happy for you!  Having lost my child does not diminish the miracle of yours.  Im not jealous - I dont wish you wouldnt have a baby and I dont wish that your baby was mine.  Its just a reminder of my own loss.  And sometimes that reminder is too much.  Too raw.  Especially if you have a due date close to mine - its like the ghost of my pregnancy haunting me.  All I ask is that you initially tell me in private, especially if you plan to later announce in public where I might not have the chance to privately deal with my emotions.  By all means, share with me the big news - the healthy ultrasounds and the sex if you find out - but I could probably skip the minute details of your pregnancy, especially the complaining.  You have every right to complain - pregnancy is HARD - but just not to me, please?  Not now.  If I ask, complain away!  Sometimes I feel perfectly fine talking about it.  But sometimes, its just like a knife to the heart. Im usually fine being around babies, but sometimes its hard - around due dates or just for seemingly no reason at all. If I choose not to hold your baby or wait a while before coming to visit after the birth, be patient with me.
• Dont forget my husband. I didnt mention when I originally wrote this post, but after a few more losses, Ive realized how much support fathers need as well and how often they are left out. Ask HIM how hes doing. Pray for him and let him know that you are specifically including him in your prayers as well. Let him know that he doesnt need to handle his grief and take care of me all on his own. Include his name in cards. Offer to watch our living children so we can spend time together, or offer to help me so he can go do something by himself. 

If youve experiences a pregnancy loss, Id love to hear about how your list differed from mine.  Is anything on my "to-do" list on your "dont-do" list?  What did/do you need that I didnt mention?  I think its helpful to see the great differences in how people grieve and what they need in the wake of a loss.



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after pregnancy weight loss tips in hindi | Laparoscopy Surgery for Endometriosis

after pregnancy weight loss tips in hindi

A few weeks ago, I received a request to share more about the laparoscopy I had in January.  When I was preparing for surgery, I searched the internet for blog posts about the procedure so I could get an accurate picture of what recovery would be like (and line up appropriate help). So I figured it might be useful if I shared my experiences as a blog post so that others could read it as well.

My surgery:
My laparoscopy was scheduled as an exploratory surgery.  My cycles didnt show much in the way of endometriosis symptoms, but since I had had recurrent pregnancy loss that didnt seem to have other explanations (I did have low progesterone but was on progesterone shots for two of my pregnancies and still miscarried), my doctor thought there was a good chance that I did indeed have endometriosis. According to the NaPro Technology website, "In women with repetitive miscarriage, 85% will have endometriosis." The link between miscarriage and endometriosis hasnt been well researched, but its suggested that the endometriosis causes inflammation, which interferes with implantation. Anyway, since we were running out of testing options, the laparoscopy was really our next step. (UPDATE: This topic seems to finally be getting some attention! A recent study in Scotland showed that "women with endometriosis are at an increased risk of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. The research further found that women with a history of endometriosis whose pregnancies progressed beyond 24 weeks were found to be at a higher than average risk of complications, including haemorrhage (ante- and postpartum) and preterm birth.")

In addition to the laparoscopy, I was also scheduled for a hysteroscopy (a scope is inserted up the vagina to look at cervix and inside of the uterus) to check for scarring, polyps or other irregularity inside my uterus and for dye to be pushed through my fallopian tubes to clear them if they were blocked (I dont think it was actually a hysterosalpingogram since I dont think that x-rays were taken during the process, but maybe they were?). My fallopian tubes were clear and my uterus looked perfectly normal.

Since it was an exploratory surgery, I didnt know what to expect going in since I wasnt sure what would be found. My doctor planned to remove any endometriosis that he saw the length of the surgery (and recovery) would depend on the extent of endometriosis present. If none was found, I would only have one small incision in my belly button. As it turns out, I did have extensive endometriosis, which caused some of my organs to adhere to one another, and an endometrioma (a cyst of endometrial tissue) on one ovary. I ended up with three incision, one in my belly button and one on each side close to my hip bones. Each is less than a half inch long. The surgery took about 2 hours.

What exactly is a laparoscopy?
I realized after my surgery that most of my family and friends didnt realize exactly what happened during my surgery. They seemed to think that the endometriosis was removed from the inside of my uterus. That is not the case. Endometrial tissue is supposed to be on the inside of the uterus. During a womans cycle, the endometrium in her uterus builds up, providing, in essence, a cushion in which a fertilized egg can implant. If no pregnancy occurs, the endometrium leaves the body (menstruation). This is normal and healthy. Endometriosis occurs when endometrial tissue is located outside of the uterus (the reason why this occurs is still unknown, though there are a few theories) on various organs and ligaments in the abdominal cavity, which often causes them to adhere together.

Therefore, surgery to look for/remove endometriosis occurs outside the uterus in the abdominal cavity. A small incision is made in the abdomen and a scope is inserted to look around the abdominal cavity. If endometriosis (or anything else) is found and needs to be removed, its usually done through that small incision and/or a few others, though sometimes bigger incisions are necessary. Gas is pumped into the abdominal cavity so that the doctor has space to look at the organs and perform the necessary excision/cauterization of endometrial tissue.

Preparation:
Here are a few of the things that I did to prepare for surgery that I would suggest someone else does --

• Lined up someone to care for my daughter during the surgery and afterward. A family friend took care of Lucia the day of and my mom flew out the next day to stay with us for a week. If my mom didnt come out, it would have been nice to have a meal train set up in addition to child care for Lucia for the following week. (Or a house stocked full of easy to make items, like yogurts, soups I just had to heat up, and takeout menus.) I probably could have survived alone with Lucia after the first four or five days or so, but having a full week and a half of rest made sure that I didnt overdo it. And, from what Ive read, recovery can vary widely, so it was quite possible that my recovery could have been slower. Having help lined up for longer than needed is much less of a problem than not having help for long enough.
• Had Gas-X and a heating pad at the ready. Before my surgery, I repeatedly read that the main source of pain after a laparoscopy was not the incisions but the gas that was pumped into the abdominal cavity. This gas usually collects in the shoulders and neck when you sit/stand and can be very uncomfortable. A heating pad and Gas-X are said to help. I didnt actually have much of this pain (my doctor said he was able to get most of the gas out after the procedure) but I was glad I had these on hand just in case and did use them minimally the first few days.
• Made sure I had an appropriate wardrobe. Because of the gas (ie bloating) and location of incisions, wearing jeans isnt comfortable for a while. I was able to fit into regular jeans pretty quickly (other women reported it being a few weeks until bloating went down though), but the waist band rubbed against my sore incisions. Skirts and paints with stretchy/jersey waistbands were necessary for the first 1-2 weeks for me. I went through the clothes I had to make sure I had at least a few options to wear. I did, but had that not been the case, I would have shopped some thrift stores so get enough bottoms to last me between laundry loads.
• Prepared things to do while recovering. The first few days were hard to read because of the pain medication, so I knitted and watched some Netflix shows Id been wanting to watch but saved up specifically for after surgery. My sister-in-law sent me a few new books Id been wanting to read, so that was helpful to pass the time after the first few days. You are supposed to get up and walk around to help you heal, so youre not on bed rest, but I was very tired and in bed resting much more than usual. 
• Followed the hospital rules. Im sure this goes without saying, but I followed the directions given to me at my pre-op appointment to a T. Not just the obvious things like no food or drink after midnight (if I had to do it again, I would have had several glasses of water the night before because I felt SO dehydrated all morning before my surgery), but also the light meal the night before, etc. 

Recovery:
When I read other blog posts and asked other women whod had this surgery about their recovery time, I found a wide range from from only a few days to six weeks. Mine fell on the shorter end. It took me a good two weeks to feel 90% and about a month before I was back to 100%, but after about 4 days, the initial pain and weakness was gone. (As someone mentioned, I conceived less than two weeks after the surgery, so recovery couldnt have been too awful.) I had the surgery on a Friday and was back to caring for Lucia single-handedly during the day on the Monday a week and a half later. I would have loved a few extra days of rest during the day because I was still tired and moved a bit slow, but I survived just fine. I wouldnt suggest someone go back to a physical job that quickly, but a desk job I could have managed.

I only needed the prescription pain medication for the two days after the surgery, then I switched to over-the-counter ibuprofen. I only took that for a few more days as needed (not all day long) and stopped taking any pain medication about 4 days after the surgery. After that point, most of the pain was related to quick abdominal movements (like sitting up in bed quickly, forgetting that I had just had surgery - ouch) or accidentally bumping my incisions.

Trying Again:
Though not everyone has endometriosis removed to conceive, many do, so I thought I would mention this piece real quick. My doctor usually does laparoscopies during the first half of his patients cycles so that they can start trying to conceive the very same cycle. Other women I talked to said their doctors told them to wait 1-2 full cycles after their surgery before trying to conceive. So there isnt a set amount of time. My doctor encourages trying right away because endometriosis often returns so often the chances concept decrease over time as the endometriosis returns and spreads.

Of course, regardless of what my doctor said, it was up to David and me to make our own decision about how long we wanted to wait. The surgery didnt delay ovulation like I figured it would  (it did affect my mucus buildup, but peak was on the same day it is almost every cycle), so I actually ovulated much closer to the surgery than I expected. Since I was feeling up to *ahem* relations, we decided to try right away, in part because it usually took us several months to get pregnant. Apparently, with the endometriosis gone, we get pregnant much quicker because we conceived right away, which we did not expect at all. (Though it makes sense - after my surgery, my doctor said he was surprised Id been able to get pregnant at all in the past few years because of the extent of the endometriosis.) Thankfully, I already felt fully recovered from the surgery by the time I got a positive pregnancy test and before I had any pregnancy symptoms.


Anything I didnt cover that youd like to ask about? Feel free to ask questions. If youd like them to be anonymous, feel free to email me. And if you do comment here, make sure your account is linked to your email address so I can reply directly to you, especially if I dont feel comfortable answering a specific question in a public manner.

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baby losing weight in utero | Relief

baby losing weight in utero

Were settling in well to our new/old home in Colorado. David started his job on Monday, I had my first prenatal appointment here yesterday. Ive started changing the preset stations on the car radio. (Thats the true test of whether youve settled in or not, isnt it?) We still have a lot to unpack and arrange and organize, but the hardest parts are over.

We moved when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Lucia (on our first wedding anniversary - boy, that was romantic) and that time I drove instead of flew so I thought this move would be a cinch. But I forgot to factor in the altitude change this time (the previous move was from Indiana to North Carolina, this one was from pretty-darn-close to sea level Raleigh to a mile high) and the fact that this pregnancy has just overall been physically more difficult than my pregnancy with Lucia. But, its done with and I have plenty of time to rest now.

I also made it through my best friends wedding. Being matron of honor AND having Lucia be the flower girl in the wedding was a bit tricky and involved a lot of preparation. Having that all come on the very close heels of a move was, well, a bit insane. Oh, and being pregnant on top of that - yikes, when I put it that way it seems a lot more stressful than I originally expected. But the wedding was beautiful and there were no major hitches and my best friend is a married woman off enjoying her honeymoon, so it was s busy and successful week.

Weve only been here a few weeks, but already its obvious that this move is the best thing we could have done for our family. Before our move, I was struggling with some pretty severe depression and anxiety. We were talking medications and other treatment options and I was really, really scared that if it got any worse, I might have to check myself into some kind of mental health facility. It wasnt quite that bad yet, but it was quickly getting there. It seems impossible that I was feeling that way just a few weeks ago because, today, I feel perfectly fine. 

I know its not just the move that has made that much difference, but certainly thats a factor. The move was a huge stressor that is now completely gone. I also started feeling the baby move a few weeks ago and the kicks have gotten stronger and more regular; having that regular reminder that the baby is alive is huge for my emotional well-being. Im well past the point in pregnancy where I previously miscarried (and the point where miscarrying become much less statistically probable). My parents have been able to help so much with Lucia so I can rest. Ive been super busy unpacking and with the wedding, which has kept me focused on being productive, which is a huge mood booster for me. Ive been getting out of the house regularly and spending a lot of time outdoors with Lucia (which is a huge change for us due to the somewhat unsafe neighborhood we moved from). 

I also stopped taking progesterone. Ive been reading quite a bit about depression in pregnancy and some studies have shown that women with depression tended to also have higher than average levels of progesterone. So maybe it wasnt a good idea for me to continue to add progesterone to my body. My progesterone levels have been healthy and its been causing some other pretty nasty side effects so I decided I would try to go off it and see if it improved my mood. It did. Honestly, Im guessing that was the biggest piece of this puzzle because it was like a veil of depression being almost instantly lifted, which is just insane. 

I feel very fortunate. Although pregnancy will never be blissful or worry-free for me like it was before my miscarriages, it seems like I will be free of the oppressing depression. It was clear to me that I was struggling with something more than just the normal stress and anxiety of a pregnancy after multiple losses, but I had no idea what exactly was the depression and what was "normal" for pregnancy after loss. But here I am and the depression has lifted and what remains is very, very manageable. I still worry about the baby. I still am very aware that something could happen between now and a full-term birth that could result in the death of my child. Im still not feeling all that celebratory or "glowing". There is still a degree of fear and sadness, but much less than before and none of the overwhelming despair. Instead of dreading every day of the rest of my pregnancy (149 days left until my "working" due date according to my pregnancy app), I feel like I can actually enjoy it a bit or if not exactly enjoy it, at least stop feeling like its a burden.

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