post pregnancy weight loss journey | Expectations

post pregnancy weight loss journey

After my post yesterday, there are a few things I want to clarify. Most importantly, I do not blame my family and friends for not supporting me in the way Ive needed during various points during and after my miscarriages and pregnancies. Im not angry or bitter and I dont expect anyone to know exactly the right things to say or do in each situation. Even when people say hurtful and thoughtless comments, Im not angry. At least, not at them. Sometimes I rage a little at our society which treats lives, especially unborn lives, as disposable and pregnancy loss as an issue to be handled quietly and quickly.

I didnt know many people who had miscarriages before I had mine. I married long before most of my friends (many who are still single) so it just didnt come up. But I know, without a doubt, that there is no way I would have said or done the right things after a loss. And I know that even now, regardless of all my personal experience, I probably rarely say or do the perfect thing after someone else experiences a loss. Each woman is going to approach pregnancy loss in a different way and going to have distinct needs so even if I know what support I needed and appreciated, that doesnt necessarily mean much for another woman.

I have wonderful family members and friends who have all tried to offer support in their own way. Sometimes they missed the mark, but I know that no one has ever meant to hurt me and I do believe that intentions matter. I can still feel the love behind a ill fated remark. At times, its been difficult to not receive the support Ive needed. Thinking back on the times I felt forgotten and alone leaves me sad. But there is no one to blame, least of all the people who love me and who have always tried to support me.

On those days I could have used a phone call and a How was your appointment? I didnt want or expect every person I knew to make that call or ask that question. I know that even those with the best intentions forget or get difficult news of their own or get caught up and cant find a moment to contact me. It wasnt that I wanted everyone to call, it was that I wanted anyone to call. So how could I be upset with any one person? How could I even expect that of any one person?

In the end, I know that I am blessed to have had the support I have had. Even if it hasnt always been exactly what Ive needed or wanted, I have had support. Many women have mentioned to me that theyve had no support at all. Now that is something to be angry about.

P.S. Ive been thinking so much about doctors appointments because I had one today. Everything is going well! We got to bring home a great picture of baby and weve made it out of the first trimester.

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weight loss in pregnancy causes | Being a Mother Lite or Proving Yourself as a Mother of One

weight loss in pregnancy causes

As this pregnancy continues on and the likelihood that Ill be able to hold a living child in my arms later this year increases, Ive noticed an odd sense of relief. Not that my child might live - no, that relief is not odd at all - but relief that I might finally be considered a "real mother".

Thats a strange phrase, I know. By "real mother" I dont mean biological mother. (I think adoptive mothers are just as "real" as biological mothers.) And youre really either a mother or youre not, right? I have a daughter, so I am certainly a mother. But thats not how other people always see me. As the mother of one, Im often regarded by other mothers as more of a fluke than a "real mother", somehow a little less than or maybe a "mother lite". Its as if the real test of motherhood is the ability to juggle the responsibilities of multiple children and not in fact the ability to mother the child(ren) you do have.

No one looks to a mother of one as a parenting expert. No one asks a mother of one for advice. No matter how well a child turns out, it can always just be attributed to "luck", the childs particular temperament and personality, or even to the environment in which the child was born, but certainly not that childs mother. There is always this elephant in the room: "But what if she had to deal with a truly difficult child?" or "Im sure Junior would have turned out well no matter what she did."

Of course, nature plays a role in how children develop. We all know that person who excelled despite a terrible home environment or child who turned to a life of crime despite wonderful parents. But nurture surely has a say too. Unless youre the mother of an only child. In that case, your nurturing played no role. No matter how much time you spend agonizing over parenting decisions and loving and caring for your child, you really just dont have that much effect. Because youre the mother of one and you are and always will be inexperienced, bumbling through motherhood without the opportunity to practice your mothering skills on more little souls.

Im exaggerating a bit, obviously. Certainly not everyone treats me this way, but I regularly receive comments that allude to this sort of thinking and on several occasions have been told point blank that my experience or input doesnt matter because Im only the mom of one. I dont want to be seen as a parenting expert or be sought out for advice, but I want to be taken seriously in conversations about parenting and children (and lets face it, pretty much every get together with other moms is dominated by these conversations). I dont want to have to fight to be acknowledged as a "real mother" and I want the real, hard efforts I make as a mom to be recognized. Im tired of having to always justify something that I have no control over. I didnt ask to be the mother of only one.

Yes, in many ways being a mom of one is easier than being a mom of many (or even just two). But thank goodness for that because its nice to have a little bit of consolation while Im dealing with the difficulties of recurrent loss and secondary infertility. Ill be the first to admit that there are benefits to an only child, yet I shouldnt be made to feel guilty that I enjoy those benefits. There are also some ways in which having an only child is harder, and Im tired of having to pretend those dont exist or else be told that they dont.

So here I am, most likely about to end my time as a mother of "only one". I will no longer have to deal with this. But so many others will. And I wish there were an answer, a way of making all mothers feel like valuable, capable, "real" mothers. I dont know what that answer is, but I want every mother of one to know that you are a mother in every sense of the word. Having another child would change many things about the way you parent, but it would not make you any more a mother. The love you have for a child and the sacrifices you make matter just as much as the love and sacrifices of a mother of many. Your life is different, but it is not less valuable. Your motherhood is whole, even if your hands are not full.

After all, the mother of our Savior was the mother of "only" One, yet her Son thought her mothering spirit and experience was sufficient to give her as a mother to us all.

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after pregnancy weight loss tips in urdu | Siblings St Therese

after pregnancy weight loss tips in urdu

Last week, I shared a quote from St. Thereses mother, Bl. Zelie Martin, about baby loss, but shes not the only member of the Martin family that has wisdom to share with a mother whose lost a child.  Last year, while reading the autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux, The Story of a Soul, I came across a particular passage that really touched me as a mother of a living child and several children lost in the womb.  She wrote:

After Marie entered the Carmel, and I no longer had her to listen to my scruples, I turned towards Heaven and confided them to the four little angels who had already gone before me, for I thought that these innocent souls, who had never known sorrow or fear, ought to have pity on their poor little suffering sister. I talked to them with childish simplicity, telling them that, as I was the youngest of the family, I had always been the most petted and loved by my parents and sisters; that if they had remained on earth they would no doubt have given me the same proofs of their affection.  The fact that they had gone to Heaven seemed no reason why they should forget me--on the contrary, as they were able to draw from the treasury of Heaven, they ought to obtain for me the grace of peace, and prove that they still knew how to love me. 

The answer was not long in coming; soon my soul was flooded with the sweetest peace. I knew that I was loved, not only on earth but also in Heaven.  From that time my devotion for these little brothers and sisters increased; I loved to talk to them and tell them of all the sorrows of this exile, and of my wish to join them soon in our Eternal Home.

St. Thereses siblings did not die during pregnancy, but they did die in infancy/early childhood.  Therese, being the youngest of the family, never knew these older siblings and yet she knew of them and was able to form a relationship with them.  From a young age, she loved them.  She felt their love for her.  They continued to be a part of her life. 

I struggled quite a bit with how to talk about our babies with Lucia after our first two losses.  We told her that I was pregnant as soon as I found out and we told her afterward that the babies had gone to heaven, but she was still so young at the time that she soon forgot about them.  She had no understanding of death or heaven or even of siblings.  It wasnt until after our last loss that we started to talk about our babies with her in a more regular way.  I try to always pray a litany of Saints at the end of our evening prayers and include the patron Saints of all our family members, including those babies we lost. When she gets upset because she doesnt have siblings, I remind her that she is a big sister to four babies in heaven.

Lucia talks about her siblings often, saying things like, "Im a big sister. I have four babies in heaven. They are going to be so excited to hug their big sister when I get to heaven." Its endearing and I think so spiritually healthy for her to look forward to heaven with her siblings.  Now that Im expecting again, she tells everyone, "My mommy has a baby in her tummy!" Thats often closely followed by, "And we have four babies in heaven." This sometimes is the cause of a little discomfort to strangers or acquaintances that arent familiar with our losses, but I dont ever want to discourage her from talking about her siblings. Sometimes there is a sad element that comes with the knowledge of her siblings. She often says that she wants the baby to stay in my tummy and not go to heaven like the other babies. So together, we pray for this baby.

I want Lucia to have a relationship with her siblings like St. Therese had with hers, based on love and faith, and though I dont always know the right words to guide that relationship, I trust the Holy Spirit to make up for my failings. And I think were headed in the right direction.

You can download a free copy of The Story of a Soul for Kindle here.  (You do not need a Kindle to do so, you can download the free Kindle Reading App to your computer, phone, or tablet.)

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