after pregnancy weight loss in urdu
Earlier today, on Facebook and Twitter, I asked the question, "When people ask you how many children you have, do you include the children youve lost?" The answers were interesting and varied, and I thought I would share my own personal response here.
First of all, I know my husband and I have conceived at least six children. I say "at least" because I suspect that Ive had a few other unconfirmed "chemical pregnancies" (very early miscarriages) based on my charts from the past few years, but also because most women have most likely had early miscarriages of which they are completely unaware. There are some statistics out there that put the percentage of miscarriages of unconfirmed pregnancies at 50%. So its quite possible that half of all pregnancies end before a woman even has the chance to know shes pregnant and then another 20-30% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. So, its fairly impossible (this side of heaven) for any woman to know for sure how many children shes truly conceived. In some ways, attempting to answer the questions "How many children to do have?" with 100% certainty is a bit unrealistic. But my husband and I know weve conceived six and we acknowledge all of those souls as our children. Those who have passed are not any less real or significant than those here on earth with us. We dont distinguish.
But, if were talking semantics, I dont have six children. I currently have two children - one who is currently playing downstairs and the other currently playing in my womb. God has the other four (or more, as I suspect). So, when asked how many children I have, I dont feel one bit guilty if I say I only have one or two (depending on whether Im counting the baby in the womb or not - I am still not yet used to counting him/her and until just recently, it wasnt obvious I was pregnant and I prefer not to talk about it if I can avoid it) because thats all I have here on earth with me. I dont feel like Im forgetting about the babies who have died or that Im somehow failing to honor them. Its just the plain truth. I always assume that the person who asks wants to know how many children I am raising, not how many children my husband and I conceived, and I find it best to answer a question by addressing its intention.
When it comes down to it though, I try to avoid answering the question directly. When asked, "How many children do you have?" I usually say, "I have a three year old." Now that Im a bit more obviously pregnant, Ive been asked quite a bit (when Lucias not around, of course), "Is this your first?" And I answer the same way, "No, I have a three year old," instead of having to decide whether to say, "No, its my second," or "No, its my sixth." Its a simple way to avoid having to directly answer with a number and gets across the information that was requested. (Again, deferring to the intention of the question.)
When someone directly asks if this is my second child, however, I do share that its my sixth. Im not sure why the distinction. Maybe its semantics. I only have two children on earth, but this baby is not my second child. Second living child, yes. Second child, no. I know that doesnt make much sense. What can I say, the minds of women after loss are complicated places. There are very few things that all women who have experienced loss have in common, but I do believe one thing thats pretty constant is that each of us will find ourselves inordinately stuck on something while other things just dont bother us. We each have our own triggers, but I think each of us have them, whatever they are. Calling my baby my second child is just one of those. Its just not something Im comfortable with, and I probably just notice it so much because it does bother me, but it seems like our society is pretty stuck on saying things like, "Congrats on baby #2", which is akin to nails on a chalkboard to me (especially from people who know about our losses).
So, if youve had a loss, how do you answer these questions? Are you comfortable with your response? Do you have certain comments or phrases that bother you more than others (like calling our current pregnancy "baby #2" bothers me)?
But, if were talking semantics, I dont have six children. I currently have two children - one who is currently playing downstairs and the other currently playing in my womb. God has the other four (or more, as I suspect). So, when asked how many children I have, I dont feel one bit guilty if I say I only have one or two (depending on whether Im counting the baby in the womb or not - I am still not yet used to counting him/her and until just recently, it wasnt obvious I was pregnant and I prefer not to talk about it if I can avoid it) because thats all I have here on earth with me. I dont feel like Im forgetting about the babies who have died or that Im somehow failing to honor them. Its just the plain truth. I always assume that the person who asks wants to know how many children I am raising, not how many children my husband and I conceived, and I find it best to answer a question by addressing its intention.
When it comes down to it though, I try to avoid answering the question directly. When asked, "How many children do you have?" I usually say, "I have a three year old." Now that Im a bit more obviously pregnant, Ive been asked quite a bit (when Lucias not around, of course), "Is this your first?" And I answer the same way, "No, I have a three year old," instead of having to decide whether to say, "No, its my second," or "No, its my sixth." Its a simple way to avoid having to directly answer with a number and gets across the information that was requested. (Again, deferring to the intention of the question.)
When someone directly asks if this is my second child, however, I do share that its my sixth. Im not sure why the distinction. Maybe its semantics. I only have two children on earth, but this baby is not my second child. Second living child, yes. Second child, no. I know that doesnt make much sense. What can I say, the minds of women after loss are complicated places. There are very few things that all women who have experienced loss have in common, but I do believe one thing thats pretty constant is that each of us will find ourselves inordinately stuck on something while other things just dont bother us. We each have our own triggers, but I think each of us have them, whatever they are. Calling my baby my second child is just one of those. Its just not something Im comfortable with, and I probably just notice it so much because it does bother me, but it seems like our society is pretty stuck on saying things like, "Congrats on baby #2", which is akin to nails on a chalkboard to me (especially from people who know about our losses).
So, if youve had a loss, how do you answer these questions? Are you comfortable with your response? Do you have certain comments or phrases that bother you more than others (like calling our current pregnancy "baby #2" bothers me)?
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