weight loss in pregnancy 2nd trimester | Our Francis

weight loss in pregnancy 2nd trimester

One year ago today was our Francis Michaels due date. Which means had our baby lived, wed be celebrating a first birthday around now. Im so far removed from that alternate reality that I cant really imagine what it would be like having a one year old crawling (or walking!) around. I cant imagine where I crib would fit in our little home or what it would be like to have another car seat in our car. I cant begin to see how Francis would have fit into our lives, yet its easy to feel that there is someone missing.

Of all the children weve lost, I always miss Francis the most. Its not that we love that baby any more than the others, just that we bonded with him or her so much more. Between my positive pregnancy test and miscarriage, we had six weeks of dreaming and preparing for our baby. That time was never tainted with a fear of loss, so we were able to love our baby with abandon. And those six weeks came after a year of desperately wanting another child, even before we were able to try to conceive again, a year of dreaming and preparing in itself.

After Francis, we were much more cautious with our pregnancies, much more reserved. And we never got much time with them, no more than two weeks between a positive pregnancy test and an ultrasound showing that miscarriage was likely. We never had the time to allow ourselves to imagine our baby outside of the womb, as part of our living family.  Even now, at 14 weeks pregnant, I cant visualize what it will be like to have a baby in November, even if I give myself the permission to try. But during my pregnancy with Francis, I could visualize that sweet baby in my arms - that tiny little nose, big blue eyes, kissable lips, and chubby, chubby thighs. 

Today, David has to work, but were hoping to spend tomorrow exactly like we did last year - a trip to the cemetery and then to the beach. (Please pray that the storm that is supposed to hit this weekend disperses! It means so much to use that were able to carry out this family tradition.) Only a few weeks away from our move, this will be the last time well see our babys grave and the last time we carry out this family tradition. We usually only visit Francis Michaels grave twice a year (close to the due date and miscarriage date) but the thought of leaving it is unbearable. We didnt bury any of our other children (none of them ever developed bodies, just empty sacs) so in many ways, this one grave represents them all. I know their souls arent there but I still feel like a mother abandoning her children.

My sweet Francis Michael, know that you are loved and so very missed.  What I wouldnt have given to have held you in my arms for just a moment, to have known what you looked like.

Past posts Ive written about Francis:

This is not the post it was supposed to be.

Remembering My Pregnancy

Our Pregnancy Loss Story

How we named Francis (and our other babies)



Here are pictures from our trip to the cemetery and beach to celebrate Francis last year:

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post baby weight loss journey | The Silence is Maddening

post baby weight loss journey

December 2014, David and I found ourselves driving home from yet another devastating doctor appointment. We had found out that my pregnancy was not viable - there was no baby, just an empty sac. We would be having a fourth miscarriage. It was heartbreaking looking at the ultrasound machine and just seeing a dark blob where a baby should have been, hearing my daughter ask, "Wheres the baby?" and having to tell her right then, in front of medical staff, "There is no baby." During the car ride home, we tried to explain miscarriage to our little girl who had just turned three a few days before.

We got home and a monumental task loomed in front of us: notifying the family and friends who knew we were pregnant. In the weeks before our our appointment, I made sure to tell them repeatedly when our appointment was. And yet, we waited for hours for someone, anyone to ask us how our appointment went. We just found out our baby died! And the world went on exactly as before. No one noticed. It seemed no one cared. Wed been waiting for this appointment for weeks, it seemed our future and maybe even our entire lives hinged on that doctor appointment and yet no one else even remembered it was happening, not even the family and friends who we had entrusted with the knowledge that we were expecting again. Not even after wed gone through so many losses. Eventually, we realized no one was going to ask us, so I told my husband to just make the calls.
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January 2014, almost a year earlier, I found myself pregnant again just three months after our first miscarriage. We found a doctor who we thought would take my short luteal phases seriously and would monitor my progesterone levels, not knowing if thats what caused my previous miscarriage but thinking it might and knowing that was one of the only causes I could actually do something about. I called as soon as I got a positive test and got an early appointment two weeks later. We shyly told just a few friends and family that we were expecting again, knowing that we would need their prayers and support.

The chances of two miscarriages in a row is very small. Statistically, it almost seems like one miscarriage is a guarantee that your next pregnancy will be fine. But that pregnancy pretty closely mirrored the previous one and I had no symptoms and very little hope. Still, we headed into our first appointment with what optimism we could muster. When the ultrasound screen showed an empty sac, I knew. The doctor thought perhaps my dating was off and since we were just past the point where you could see a heartbeat, that maybe everything was still fine. So we scheduled an appointment a few weeks later and prayed to see a heartbeat, but I already knew we never would.

It was so lonely waiting for our next appointment. It seemed like an eternity. Days went by, a week, and still none of the friends or family who knew we were pregnant and who had asked several times when my first appointment was ever asked how it went. I just wanted one person to remember. One person to realize how important that appointment was. Over the course of two weeks, I was just waiting for one person to ask me, "How are you?" so I could tell them. No one did.

I suppose I was being unrealistic. Unless youve gone through pregnancy loss, prenatal appointments just arent a big deal. But for me, theyre a matter of life and death.
__________

When I was pregnant with Lucia, I saw doctor (well, midwife) appointments almost as inconveniences. Each time I went in, it took a few minutes for the midwife to check me, everything was fine, I never had any questions, and then I was on my way. I never did anything to prepare for my appointments, I never really thought about them until I saw them on the calendar for the next day.

Now, my doctor appointments take hours of mental preparation. I play out every possible scenario in my head: everything is fine; there is no heartbeat; there is a heartbeat, but its slow and/or the babys growth is behind; there seems to be some kind of birth defects or genetic anomaly; there is a problem with my lab tests, etc., etc., etc. I remember the dates of my appointments exactly and on any day I can tell you exactly how many days until my next appointment and how many days since my last appointment. In many ways, my life seems to revolve around these appointments and time seems to divided into eras by them - the time between my first and second appointment, the time between my second and third, etc.

__________

Family members and friends who have only had healthy pregnancies dont seem to understand why I always ask when their appointments are and always make sure to ask them about them hours afterward. They can never seem to remember when their next appointment is, but I always know. I put them on my calendar.

I just dont want someone to come home from a doctor appointment with bad news and have no one contact them with concern. Too many times, Ive had another appointment gone wrong, another ultrasound without a heartbeat, another heartbreak, and even though I made sure to tell family and friends a hundred times the date of my appointment, no one asks how it went. I hate having to contact them specifically to tell them or having them ask a week later and reopen the wound. Its much easier for someone to ask, "How did it go?", to know that they care, and to simply be able to answer, "Not well. Not what wed hoped for."

I dont presume to speak for everyone. Im sure there are plenty of people who dont want to be asked about a devastating appointment and who would rather decide themselves how and when theyll share the news. But for me, when something goes wrong and no one asks, the silence is maddening. It seems as if no one cared enough to remember when my appointment was. When we have to be the ones to call and tell family, it feels kind of like, "Hey, Im not sure if you actually want to know, but..." If we really didnt feel like talking about it, we could just avoid the phone call or text, but having to be the one to pick up the phone puts all the burden on us. And I really want someone to share our burdens.

Its very hard for most people to ask for the support they need. So when you get bad news, its much more difficult to have to be the one to pick up the phone, share the news, and ask for support, than to simply answer someone who has already done the hard work of bridging the gap and reaching out to you. So if a friend or family member gets bad news at a prenatal appointment, I want them to receive that call or text from me and make it so that they just have to answer if they need someone. If they ignore me because they dont want to talk to me about it yet, I respect that. But I dont want anyone to ever feel like no one cared enough to remember when their appointment was or to ask how it went. Or to feel that they are alone or that they have to seek out support. I want to give them the option to answer and the acknowledgement that someone knows and cares.

That phone call is like extending a hand. Your friend may not decide to take it, but if she does need a hand and none is offered to her, she may fall.

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after pregnancy weight loss tips in urdu | Siblings St Therese

after pregnancy weight loss tips in urdu

Last week, I shared a quote from St. Thereses mother, Bl. Zelie Martin, about baby loss, but shes not the only member of the Martin family that has wisdom to share with a mother whose lost a child.  Last year, while reading the autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux, The Story of a Soul, I came across a particular passage that really touched me as a mother of a living child and several children lost in the womb.  She wrote:

After Marie entered the Carmel, and I no longer had her to listen to my scruples, I turned towards Heaven and confided them to the four little angels who had already gone before me, for I thought that these innocent souls, who had never known sorrow or fear, ought to have pity on their poor little suffering sister. I talked to them with childish simplicity, telling them that, as I was the youngest of the family, I had always been the most petted and loved by my parents and sisters; that if they had remained on earth they would no doubt have given me the same proofs of their affection.  The fact that they had gone to Heaven seemed no reason why they should forget me--on the contrary, as they were able to draw from the treasury of Heaven, they ought to obtain for me the grace of peace, and prove that they still knew how to love me. 

The answer was not long in coming; soon my soul was flooded with the sweetest peace. I knew that I was loved, not only on earth but also in Heaven.  From that time my devotion for these little brothers and sisters increased; I loved to talk to them and tell them of all the sorrows of this exile, and of my wish to join them soon in our Eternal Home.

St. Thereses siblings did not die during pregnancy, but they did die in infancy/early childhood.  Therese, being the youngest of the family, never knew these older siblings and yet she knew of them and was able to form a relationship with them.  From a young age, she loved them.  She felt their love for her.  They continued to be a part of her life. 

I struggled quite a bit with how to talk about our babies with Lucia after our first two losses.  We told her that I was pregnant as soon as I found out and we told her afterward that the babies had gone to heaven, but she was still so young at the time that she soon forgot about them.  She had no understanding of death or heaven or even of siblings.  It wasnt until after our last loss that we started to talk about our babies with her in a more regular way.  I try to always pray a litany of Saints at the end of our evening prayers and include the patron Saints of all our family members, including those babies we lost. When she gets upset because she doesnt have siblings, I remind her that she is a big sister to four babies in heaven.

Lucia talks about her siblings often, saying things like, "Im a big sister. I have four babies in heaven. They are going to be so excited to hug their big sister when I get to heaven." Its endearing and I think so spiritually healthy for her to look forward to heaven with her siblings.  Now that Im expecting again, she tells everyone, "My mommy has a baby in her tummy!" Thats often closely followed by, "And we have four babies in heaven." This sometimes is the cause of a little discomfort to strangers or acquaintances that arent familiar with our losses, but I dont ever want to discourage her from talking about her siblings. Sometimes there is a sad element that comes with the knowledge of her siblings. She often says that she wants the baby to stay in my tummy and not go to heaven like the other babies. So together, we pray for this baby.

I want Lucia to have a relationship with her siblings like St. Therese had with hers, based on love and faith, and though I dont always know the right words to guide that relationship, I trust the Holy Spirit to make up for my failings. And I think were headed in the right direction.

You can download a free copy of The Story of a Soul for Kindle here.  (You do not need a Kindle to do so, you can download the free Kindle Reading App to your computer, phone, or tablet.)

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