pregnancy weight loss in second trimester | NFP Has No Place in Paradise

pregnancy weight loss in second trimester

Its Natural Family Planning Awareness Week and I didnt really think Id have much to add to the conversation. The Catholic blogging world is already saturated with posts about NFP this week and Ive read many, many wonderful posts on every angle of the topic in the past. My experiences are unique (arent ours all?) but not necessarily anything completely new or different. But to do my part, I wrote this post on Facebook yesterday to share my perspective and as I was writing it, for the first in my life it occurred to me exactly why NFP is so difficult - because it was never part of Gods original plan.

You see, in the perfect world God intended - the world without sin or suffering - NFP doesnt have a place. The situations that make postponing a pregnancy necessary - physical and mental health issues, financial concerns, marital problems, lack of support system, etc. - they wouldnt exist. And fertility problems that require couples use NFP to become pregnant, they wouldnt exist either. There simply would be no need for Natural Family Planning. Its not the default for human beings as God designed us. But its there because we live in a flawed world; not the natural order of things but a gift given to us by God to help us cope with our imperfect situations in an imperfect existence.

Many people need NFP for one reason or another, and I am incredibly grateful that it exists for those situations. For most of our marriage, weve used NFP. When we got pregnant with Lucia in 2011, my husband and I had hoped wed never use NFP again. We looked forward to the idea of our family planned completely on Gods timing, of never looking at a chart again, of being genuinely surprised (but not too surprised) by a new pregnancy. But then we went through a period of unemployment. Followed by miscarriage after miscarriage. And then my current bout of prenatal depression and anxiety (yes, its back). And it seems that for the rest of our childbearing years well always have one reason or another to use NFP to either avoid pregnancy or help us decrease chances of future miscarriage. Thats a tough pill to swallow.

Yes, the day to day practice of NFP can be difficult. But the emotional strain is even harder because it reminds us of the brokenness of our world (and my body). My chart is a symbol of how far we are from Eden. For all that people talk about how wonderful NFP is for marriage and communication and knowing your body and (fill in the blank), the truth is that if all were as it should be, we simply wouldnt need it.

NFP strikes me as similar to a cancer treatment, lets say chemotherapy. Of course, its not poisonous or painful like chemotherapy (NFP is green! And completely natural! No physical side effects!), but bear with me. The only reason chemotherapy exists is to combat cancer. Those who have cancer (and their loved ones) are grateful it gives them the opportunity to fight the cancer, but theyd rather they didnt need it in the first place. My family has had several extra years (and hopefully many more) with my 84 year old grandfather because of two rounds of chemotherapy. But the chemo itself took its toll on him and is a reminder of the brokenness of his body, the unnaturalness of the cancer that necessitated it in the first place. I wish there was no chemo because I wish there was no cancer. Actually, I suppose thats how we feel about most medication. Im grateful to God for well-trained doctors and medical researchers who allow us to combat the illnesses of the mind and body, but Im still sad and bitter that we even have illnesses we have to treat.

So too with NFP. Its not a good in and of itself, but the best response we have to the evil in our world. I wish we didnt need it. I wish we lived in a perfect world where the circumstances were always perfect for more children to be welcomed and everyone had normal, healthy, functioning fertility. Since there is a need for NFP, Im grateful its there. But even if I appreciate it, I dont have to like it. It’s ok if it doesn’t feel natural and beautiful and effortless, because it’s simply not how it was meant to be. 

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pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester | Its ok to know what you need and what you need to avoid

pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester

This past weekend was the second Edel Gathering. It looked fun and lovely and inspiring. This year was the second year I didnt go. Both years I could have gone. We could have made it work financially. My husband was very supportive of me having a weekend away. I wanted to go. There were so many ladies I wanted to see (and meet) that would be there. Im sure I would have had a great time. But for two years in a row, the timing would have made it too painful.

Last year, I knew several women who were going and bringing along their couple month old babies. Our Francis would have been a few months old. I also knew several ladies who would be seven months pregnant. I would have been seven months pregnant with Julian. The miscarriages were still so raw then and it seemed like the reminders would have been too plentiful for me to have enjoyed myself.

I had planned to go to Edel this year, up until a week before the tickets were released. I got a positive pregnancy test and with the due date being next week, it was quite impossible to attend the conference ten days before a baby was set to arrive. And then I miscarried and I could go, but once again, it seemed like going would be too painful knowing that the only reason I was there was because my baby died. Due dates are pretty dark times for me and having two less than a month apart has cast a long shadow over this June and July. Its possible that going to Edel could have been exactly what I needed to lift me out of this funk, but its just as possible that I would have been emotionally miserable the whole time. It wasnt worth it to spend so much money and make arrangements for childcare without knowing which way it would pan out.

Im 100% sure I made the right decision. I used to try to force myself to events or else feel guilty for letting my losses "get the best of me" and dictate what I do. But now Im pretty confident in my decisions. While I can force myself to go to events, I cant force myself to enjoy them and there is no triumph in going to an event only to be miserable the whole time. And staying home does not mean that Ive let my losses rule my life, it means that Im wise enough to know what I need (or what I need to avoid) in the healing process and that Ive given myself the permission and grace to heal.

Now, when it comes to the events of others - a baby shower, meeting a new friends baby, a get together where I suspect a pregnancy announcement will be made (and Im right 99% of the time), the birthday party of a child who would be about the age of one of my lost littles, etc. - I do force myself to go. I completely support others who decide to stay home from similar events, but I know my weaknesses and the truth is that I can all too easily get tied up in my own pain and self pity if I let myself focus only on me. Its important to me that I force myself to take part in the joy of others and that I do not allow myself excuses to let my personal sorrow overshadow others celebrations. I will not let the death of my children prevent me from celebrating the gifts of life around me, even if my celebration isnt always heartfelt.

Ive found that the only way it gets easier is to go through these events anyway, kind of the whole "fake it til you make it" thing. Eventually they get easier, after so many times of going to celebrations for a particular child (and crying at home afterwards), its no longer painful to be around her - shell still remind me of the child I lost with a similar due date, but the feelings of intense grief dont show up every time I see her little face.

So I do always go to others events in order to force me outside of myself, but when it comes to events for me like Edel, or going to moms groups or play dates or girls night out, etc., I no longer worry about what I "should" be doing. I listen to what I need and then a unapologetically allow myself to do just that. My miscarriages are a part of my life, now and forever. I can pretend they never happened and force myself to live as if they hadnt, but its much more beneficial to acknowledge them and find a way to incorporate them into my life. Sometimes that means staying home, missing out, saying "no". And thats ok.

This is what I imagine Edel was like. 

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baby losing weight in utero | Relief

baby losing weight in utero

Were settling in well to our new/old home in Colorado. David started his job on Monday, I had my first prenatal appointment here yesterday. Ive started changing the preset stations on the car radio. (Thats the true test of whether youve settled in or not, isnt it?) We still have a lot to unpack and arrange and organize, but the hardest parts are over.

We moved when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Lucia (on our first wedding anniversary - boy, that was romantic) and that time I drove instead of flew so I thought this move would be a cinch. But I forgot to factor in the altitude change this time (the previous move was from Indiana to North Carolina, this one was from pretty-darn-close to sea level Raleigh to a mile high) and the fact that this pregnancy has just overall been physically more difficult than my pregnancy with Lucia. But, its done with and I have plenty of time to rest now.

I also made it through my best friends wedding. Being matron of honor AND having Lucia be the flower girl in the wedding was a bit tricky and involved a lot of preparation. Having that all come on the very close heels of a move was, well, a bit insane. Oh, and being pregnant on top of that - yikes, when I put it that way it seems a lot more stressful than I originally expected. But the wedding was beautiful and there were no major hitches and my best friend is a married woman off enjoying her honeymoon, so it was s busy and successful week.

Weve only been here a few weeks, but already its obvious that this move is the best thing we could have done for our family. Before our move, I was struggling with some pretty severe depression and anxiety. We were talking medications and other treatment options and I was really, really scared that if it got any worse, I might have to check myself into some kind of mental health facility. It wasnt quite that bad yet, but it was quickly getting there. It seems impossible that I was feeling that way just a few weeks ago because, today, I feel perfectly fine. 

I know its not just the move that has made that much difference, but certainly thats a factor. The move was a huge stressor that is now completely gone. I also started feeling the baby move a few weeks ago and the kicks have gotten stronger and more regular; having that regular reminder that the baby is alive is huge for my emotional well-being. Im well past the point in pregnancy where I previously miscarried (and the point where miscarrying become much less statistically probable). My parents have been able to help so much with Lucia so I can rest. Ive been super busy unpacking and with the wedding, which has kept me focused on being productive, which is a huge mood booster for me. Ive been getting out of the house regularly and spending a lot of time outdoors with Lucia (which is a huge change for us due to the somewhat unsafe neighborhood we moved from). 

I also stopped taking progesterone. Ive been reading quite a bit about depression in pregnancy and some studies have shown that women with depression tended to also have higher than average levels of progesterone. So maybe it wasnt a good idea for me to continue to add progesterone to my body. My progesterone levels have been healthy and its been causing some other pretty nasty side effects so I decided I would try to go off it and see if it improved my mood. It did. Honestly, Im guessing that was the biggest piece of this puzzle because it was like a veil of depression being almost instantly lifted, which is just insane. 

I feel very fortunate. Although pregnancy will never be blissful or worry-free for me like it was before my miscarriages, it seems like I will be free of the oppressing depression. It was clear to me that I was struggling with something more than just the normal stress and anxiety of a pregnancy after multiple losses, but I had no idea what exactly was the depression and what was "normal" for pregnancy after loss. But here I am and the depression has lifted and what remains is very, very manageable. I still worry about the baby. I still am very aware that something could happen between now and a full-term birth that could result in the death of my child. Im still not feeling all that celebratory or "glowing". There is still a degree of fear and sadness, but much less than before and none of the overwhelming despair. Instead of dreading every day of the rest of my pregnancy (149 days left until my "working" due date according to my pregnancy app), I feel like I can actually enjoy it a bit or if not exactly enjoy it, at least stop feeling like its a burden.

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