healthy pregnancy weight loss diet | Penumbra Baby 28 week bumpdate

healthy pregnancy weight loss diet

Im not much of a "bumpdate" person. (Though Im not much of a birth story person either, and I wrote one of those.) When my favorite bloggers post pregnancy updates, I mostly just look at the pictures. I never blogged regular pregnancy updates when I was pregnant with Lucia but somehow, this time, it just seemed right - maybe even necessary - to share a little more gratuitously about this pregnancy.

A while back, I read this article that discussed the use of the term "penumbra baby" for a child that comes after loss. Ive never really felt comfortable with the more common term "rainbow baby" (not sure exactly why) and it was somehow very fulfilling to find a term that really resonated with me. Heres an excerpt from the article that explains the word an exactly why its so apt:

The word penumbra means “partially shaded area” and while I like and use the term rainbow babies, I think this one might be a better description. These babies are born in the shadow of their older siblings who died. Because I’m fascinated by words and their meanings, I find it interesting that she used the term penumbra, meaning partially shaded, and not umbra, or fully shaded. With a penumbra, some light is still coming through, which I find rather beautiful. Children born in the shadow of loss are definitely not replacement children! Unlike a rainbow, a shadow is not fleeting or illusory, but always present and always changing. When the sun rises and sets, our shadows are long, casting a deeper, darker presence over our lives. When the sun is high overhead, our shadows are barely present. No matter where you go or what you do, your shadow is with you. It changes as you change. It is unique to your shape. A shadow cannot exist without some light, even if that light is small.  

When you are pregnant after a loss, the shadow of your past pregnancy will always be there. Some days you will feel its presence deeply, as if the light were dim and the shadow in front of you. Some days, you will hardly notice it. The sun will be bright overhead.

Its important to me that this pregnancy and this child are never "fully shaded", that I allow some light to come through. So Im determined to celebrate this pregnancy in whatever ways I can. I may not be taking weekly beautiful, well-lit and well-orchestrated pictures with fruits and veggies, but I have been taking grainy, poorly lit picture sporadically because I do want there to be pictures. (And we are going to get professional maternity pictures next month.) I do want there to be memories. I want to be able to look back and say, that was a blessed time when my child was growing within me. Ive always thought I would do a pregnancy update post at some point in this pregnancy (although probably only one) and 28 weeks, the start of the third trimester, seems as good a time as any.

how far along: By the "official" dating: 28 weeks, 3 days; by my dating: 29 weeks, 1 day. Im totally fine with going along with the doctors date though. Lucia was 8 days "late" so a later due date just prepares me for a little longer of a wait and, more importantly, gives me an extra cushion before other people start asking "Have you had the baby yet?"

days until due date: 80

symptoms: Ive had pretty much the full gamut of "normal" pregnancy symptoms. Morning sickness, lethargy, etc. in the first trimester. Mostly feeling better during the second trimester, other than a few tough weeks around our move when I probably was just doing way too much. In the past few weeks, the third trimester symptoms have really hit - heartburn, swelling, hip and pelvic pain. I have had a few symptoms that I think are pretty unique to me though. One of the first early signs that Im pregnant is frequent headaches. Unless Im ill, the only time I ever get headaches is during the first trimester of pregnancy (its been consistent with all of my six pregnancies so far). Also, Ive developed allergies to peanuts. Nothing major, just an itchy throat when I eat them. I had this with Lucia too, only not with peanuts but with bananas and almonds (so far, those dont seem to bother me). Apparently food allergies just during pregnancy is a thing, though not particularly common.

cravings: Hmmm, I probably need to ask David about this one. Hummus. A bagel with lox. Honestly, its pretty much like my pregnancy with Lucia - I dont crave much in the realm of weird and cravings dont come out of nowhere, but if I see or hear someone talk about a food that sounds good, I cant get the thought of it out of my head. So commercials and cooking shows are my worst enemy right now. Though heartburn is severely cutting down on my appetite because no matter how good something tastes, I know it is just NOT worth the heartburn.

On our fifth anniversary

comparisons: Obviously, this pregnancy is emotionally much more difficult than my very blissful, naive, and perfectly healthy pregnancy with Lucia, but its also been physically harder. Not so much so that anything is out of the ordinary, its all within the range of "normal", but its certainly a noticeable difference. Other than the first trimester morning sickness and fatigue and third trimester heartburn, I otherwise felt amazing my whole pregnancy with Lucia. This entire pregnancy Ive been tired and sluggish and just not feeling quite well. The morning sickness was worse (I think I only threw up twice with Lucia, but often a half dozen times per day this pregnancy) although both times it tapered off around 13 weeks. Heartburn has started much, much earlier this time - at around 25 weeks compared to probably 34 with Lucia. I remember that being the absolute worst part of her pregnancy and was hoping to put it off as long as possible.

Ive also just been so much more sore this time around. I never had hip or pelvic pain with my first pregnancy and its been a bit surprising (and painful!) this time around. I also never had Braxton Hicks contractions before this pregnancy, and Ive been having them since around 18 weeks. I usually dont have them too often other than when Im upset and then they are super painful and constant. Not having any BH made it really easy to tell when I was going into labor - Im worried about not being able to tell real from false labor as the due date gets closer.

I dont think having an older child to care for has affected the pregnancy all that much (other than Lucia making me melt with her really sweet, adorable bonding with baby - that is so precious). Lucia tends to nap every day and I nap with her so I still get my daily nap in. I havent been sleeping very well at night the entire pregnancy (whereas I slept like a baby until the heartburn kicked in last time), but I dont think thats related to having an older child because Lucia usually sleeps through the night. Shes old enough that Im not constantly on my feet running after her and shes pretty independent and helpful, but I am probably more active this time walking over to the school playground with her and taking her to parks and such.

Ive gained a lot less weight this pregnancy. Im sure thats due to the increase in morning sickness and early onset of heartburn more than anything else. But Im also carrying low, so maybe these differences mean its a boy? Oh, and probably the biggest difference is that this baby is extremely, extremely active. Way more than Lucia ever was. The movements and kicks are much more frequent and sometimes actually really painful which is crazy for a baby this small (and its already been happening for weeks). I can often see my stomach very noticeably moving which didnt happen very often with Lucia and not until the end. David is convinced that this means we are having an active little boy.

speaking of babys sex: No, we didnt/we dont find out if were having a boy or girl. Its just the way we like to do it. We didnt find out with Lucia and the surprise was just so exciting. And it drives other people crazy which is fun too. I will admit I was much more tempted this time to peek during the ultrasound than I was with Lucia, but I stayed strong.

Do I have any gut feelings? Boy, I guess. But I was 100% sure Lucia was a boy from my gut feeling and I have the reputation of being 100% wrong when guessing the sex of friends and family members babies so I think my gut feeling of boy means that its most likely a girl. Obviously, we really dont care if its a boy or girl and were just super excited to find out exactly who this little person is that God has sent to our family.

names? We do have a boy and a girl name picked out and most of our friends and family know them, but Im not ready to share here yet. Were having a bit of trouble with a girl middle name, so I emailed Kate at the Catholic baby naming blog, Sancta Nomina, for a name consultation and it will be published next month so at least our girls name will be out of the bag then.

Lucia is: very excited. And super, super sweet. She talks about baby all the time and asks every person she meets, "Did you know my mommy has a baby in her tummy?" Shes very excited to hold baby and play with baby and teach baby everything. She will randomly come up to me and kiss my belly and talk to baby. She calls it "my baby" or "our baby". The last of her friends to have a younger sibling, shes so excited to finally get to be a big sister. Im not sure how this will play out when baby is actually here, but I have a feeling shell be very helpful and the jealousy will be minimal. My younger brother and I are five years apart and I was a helpful big sister who adored the baby and was never jealous. Lucia and baby will be four years apart and although her temperament is much different than mine, I think the reaction will be much the same.

We got this gorgeous family photo taken at Davids cousins wedding.
First professional photo as a family of four!

best part of pregnancy so far: Ive loved holding my belly in the last few weeks. Ive finally gotten big enough that I have a round, very pregnant belly and I think its beautiful and pretty amazing. Just looking in the mirror and rubbing my belly has been such a blessing. I dont know why, but it seems so strange to actually be this physically, visibly pregnant. I think there was a part of me that thought I would never get to this point and that kind of didnt believe I was actually pregnant with a real, live baby (despite the ultrasounds and really obvious symptoms). But now that I can see it, its starting to feel very concrete. I catch myself smiling when I see my belly in the mirror.

As for the best specific moment, yesterday, we went to a Rockies (baseball for those non-sporties out there) game yesterday and toward the end, a woman came up to me on her way out and said, "I just had to tell you youre a gorgeous pregnant woman. If I ever get pregnant, I hope I look like you - all belly!" And then she told me how beautiful Lucia was. Yep, that was a winner, especially since I was greasy with sunscreen and had be sweating profusely the whole game so basically felt like a hot, slimy whale. But apparently a gorgeous one.

prayer request: One of babys kidneys was larger than normal on my 20 week ultrasound, so I have a follow up ultrasound next month. The doctor made it sound like this issue is fairly common and often resolves itself, but even if it doesnt it is not a major problem. Im not particularly worried, but prayers would be appreciated. Ive entrusted baby and this pregnancy to the intercession of Blesseds Zelie and Louis Martin (the soon-to-be canonized parents of St. Therese of Lisieux). Also, prayers for the financial/insurance concerns of this pregnancy would be appreciated as well. Thank you!

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pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester | Its ok to know what you need and what you need to avoid

pregnancy weight loss in 3rd trimester

This past weekend was the second Edel Gathering. It looked fun and lovely and inspiring. This year was the second year I didnt go. Both years I could have gone. We could have made it work financially. My husband was very supportive of me having a weekend away. I wanted to go. There were so many ladies I wanted to see (and meet) that would be there. Im sure I would have had a great time. But for two years in a row, the timing would have made it too painful.

Last year, I knew several women who were going and bringing along their couple month old babies. Our Francis would have been a few months old. I also knew several ladies who would be seven months pregnant. I would have been seven months pregnant with Julian. The miscarriages were still so raw then and it seemed like the reminders would have been too plentiful for me to have enjoyed myself.

I had planned to go to Edel this year, up until a week before the tickets were released. I got a positive pregnancy test and with the due date being next week, it was quite impossible to attend the conference ten days before a baby was set to arrive. And then I miscarried and I could go, but once again, it seemed like going would be too painful knowing that the only reason I was there was because my baby died. Due dates are pretty dark times for me and having two less than a month apart has cast a long shadow over this June and July. Its possible that going to Edel could have been exactly what I needed to lift me out of this funk, but its just as possible that I would have been emotionally miserable the whole time. It wasnt worth it to spend so much money and make arrangements for childcare without knowing which way it would pan out.

Im 100% sure I made the right decision. I used to try to force myself to events or else feel guilty for letting my losses "get the best of me" and dictate what I do. But now Im pretty confident in my decisions. While I can force myself to go to events, I cant force myself to enjoy them and there is no triumph in going to an event only to be miserable the whole time. And staying home does not mean that Ive let my losses rule my life, it means that Im wise enough to know what I need (or what I need to avoid) in the healing process and that Ive given myself the permission and grace to heal.

Now, when it comes to the events of others - a baby shower, meeting a new friends baby, a get together where I suspect a pregnancy announcement will be made (and Im right 99% of the time), the birthday party of a child who would be about the age of one of my lost littles, etc. - I do force myself to go. I completely support others who decide to stay home from similar events, but I know my weaknesses and the truth is that I can all too easily get tied up in my own pain and self pity if I let myself focus only on me. Its important to me that I force myself to take part in the joy of others and that I do not allow myself excuses to let my personal sorrow overshadow others celebrations. I will not let the death of my children prevent me from celebrating the gifts of life around me, even if my celebration isnt always heartfelt.

Ive found that the only way it gets easier is to go through these events anyway, kind of the whole "fake it til you make it" thing. Eventually they get easier, after so many times of going to celebrations for a particular child (and crying at home afterwards), its no longer painful to be around her - shell still remind me of the child I lost with a similar due date, but the feelings of intense grief dont show up every time I see her little face.

So I do always go to others events in order to force me outside of myself, but when it comes to events for me like Edel, or going to moms groups or play dates or girls night out, etc., I no longer worry about what I "should" be doing. I listen to what I need and then a unapologetically allow myself to do just that. My miscarriages are a part of my life, now and forever. I can pretend they never happened and force myself to live as if they hadnt, but its much more beneficial to acknowledge them and find a way to incorporate them into my life. Sometimes that means staying home, missing out, saying "no". And thats ok.

This is what I imagine Edel was like. 

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pregnancy weight loss last month | Pregnancy After Loss Yes I am

pregnancy weight loss last month

We planned to wait to share our newest pregnancy until after we saw a heartbeat. And if there was no heartbeat, we were just going to to keep it to ourselves. The public nature of our losses has been difficult. But I started bleeding heavily on Thursday at five and a half weeks pregnant and I felt like we could use some prayers. So we shared widely and requested prayers, so I might as well share the news here as well. The bleeding has since stopped and we went in for an ultrasound which revealed that the gestational sac was still there and measuring correctly. Its too early to see a baby or heartbeat, but the news is reassuring so far and were grateful my doctor didnt think I was a complete nut (or if he did think so, he humored me anyway) and had us come in to take a peek.

I really pride myself on not being crazy or over reacting during pregnancy. Im not a worrier by nature and while Im often a pessimist, I dont tend to let fears get to me. In truth, when I get a positive pregnancy test, I expect a miscarriage withing two months and not a baby in nine, but I other than contacting my doctor and taking what precautions we can, I acknowledge that if we are going to miscarry there isnt a whole lot we can do about it. But Ive never experienced bleeding in pregnancy like this before and it was the uncertainty that was killing me. If we miscarried, fine - wed get through it. But I just needed to know if we had or not. Had I bled like this before my first miscarriage, I doubt would have called the doctor at all. I know that some bleeding, even heavy bleeding can occur in a normal and healthy pregnancy. But this time, I found myself freaking out for the first time, calling my doctor several times, begging to go in for an ultrasound (lest you think my doctor is heartless, he very well may have agreed to an ultrasound without begging but because I didnt get a hold of him, I was begging over voice mail). I felt desperate and then very foolish for letting my thoughts spiral like that. I hate that my losses have robbed me of my ability to be joyful, relaxed, and even sane during a pregnancy.

Seeing the sac is no guarantee that this pregnancy is healthy. In fact, in three of my four pregnancies, it wasnt until after this point that something was noticeably wrong - the sac grew just fine, but a baby or heartbeat never materialized (in the remaining miscarriage, we lost the baby before this point).  I know not to get my hopes up until we see a heartbeat in a couple weeks, and I assume that even if we do see a heartbeat, Ill probably not fully relax until the baby is born. Even though Ive only had first trimester losses, Im much more aware of loss in general now. I go to a support group in which the majority of mothers had full term losses. (Ill admit to often feeling out of place as the only or one of the only women with first trimester losses at the meetings. Why arent there more? Am I the only woman with early losses who cant just "get over" them and move on? Do these women who lost their full term babies think Im ridiculous for mourning over my early miscarriages?) Anyway, I know those things happen and the fact that they are rare doesnt exactly make me any more comfortable. Even if something only happens to one in a billion, there is no guarantee that the one is not me. After all, its pretty rare to have as many miscarriages in a row as I have, and here I am. Anyone can be a statistic, you know? 

But here is the thing: Im feeling a bit guilty because there was a part of me that wished that I had just miscarried. Not because I want the baby to die - I dont! My most ardent wish is to have a living child! And not just any living child, but this one! This irreplaceable soul who I already love so much and who is a unique and important member of our family. But there is a part of me that feels like miscarriage is inevitable, 100% certain. So if its going to happen, Id rather just have it happen, you know? So I can start healing.  So we can try again.  Its crazy! Who thinks like that?

I really wish there were some better resources out there for pregnancy after loss. There ARE several, of course, but they tend to be based on the fact that you wont miscarry again. There is maybe a page or two on "if you miscarry again". Which makes sense, because its actually pretty rare to have two in a row much less double that. But for women like me, in which miscarriage is the rule and not the exception, I sometimes just want to have someone acknowledge that yes, I may miscarry again. There may not be a "happy ending" in store for this pregnancy. But that it will be okay anyway. That Ill survive.

Anyway, enough rambling. For all of you that are struggling to conceive or who are awaiting your pregnancy after loss, know that I am praying for you.  God bless.

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weight loss last weeks of pregnancy | Its ok to enjoy the benefits of small families

weight loss last weeks of pregnancy

Ive noticed in Catholic circles that no one ever wants to acknowledge that there are advantages to small families (or disadvantages to large ones). I cant tell you how many Catholic articles or blog posts Ive read that have talked about the advantages of big families or siblings. I think these are beautiful, important, and very needed. But, on the other hand, there is not a single one Ive come across written from a Catholic perspective that talks about the advantages of small families or only children (or families that consist of husband and wife).

Perhaps this is because its assumed that our culture lauds small families and only children (or no children) so there doesnt have to be a Catholic voice for this. But from my experience, the secular articles and posts on the benefits of small families are anything but comforting to a Catholic mother. Inherent in those articles is the understanding that small families are superior, responsible, environmentally-friendly, etc. The overall tone seems to be anti-life and selfish; children are depicted  as commodities to be obtained and enjoyed - thus, having one or two makes them easier to fit into a life full of other, equally important pursuits (career, travel, intellectual advancement, physical perfection, hobbies, etc.) To be lauded for something that is anathema to my beliefs is like a knife to the heart. Im not "choosing" a small family in order to be a good citizen in the culture of death and self-absorption.

I think there is this fear that if we talk about the positives of small families (or the negatives of big ones) that well be promoting this mentality that elevates the small family for selfish reasons, and therefore will be steering Catholics away from being open to life or Gods plan for our families. Instead, it alienates Catholic parents with small families and puts pressure on large families to always seem perfect. Of course, there are advantages and disadvantages to both small and large families (and medium size, too) and denying that fact makes Catholics seem out of touch with reality.

Recently Ive noticed that at church or other Catholic events, its extremely rare for us to be told we have a "beautiful family". Extremely rare. And yet the large families all around us hear it several times each Sunday. Im not sure exactly why that is. I have a handsome husband and adorable daughter and more than that, I think we radiate the joyfulness of Christ and family life. But were a small family. We dont fit into the Catholic ideal.

I yearn for a large family. Not because its perfect or I idealize it, but because I love children and love being a mother and because I believe that the joy additional children bring to a family is always worth the added difficulties. In addition to joy, it seems that there are also some very practical benefits to having more children. But since I have a small family (and perhaps always will) I want to stop being afraid to talk openly about (or feel guilty about having) the practical benefits of a small family.

So Ill say it: Having one living child makes many things easier. I have more time to rest, more time with my husband, more time for hobbies, more one-on-one time with my daughter. We have more money and less material needs. We can get by with a smaller apartment, a smaller kitchen table, and smaller car. We can get out of the door faster and travel easier. And its ok if I enjoy these advantages.

Because Im sure that while they are struggling with all the difficulties of having a large family, the moms of many are enjoying the blessings of their extra children. There is no need for me to be a martyr by suffering the pain of secondary infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss AND feeling guilty/unable to enjoy the advantages that come with my small family.

My family is small but beautiful. We may not have many children but we have more time and resources to spend on the one beautiful blessing we do have. Im not ashamed of our small family and Im not guilty that I have many things "easier" than moms of many. They have the blessings of their many children and I have other blessings that, while I dont think are equal in value because what can even approach the value of a human life???, I can certainly appreciate and enjoy.

Other, even better blog posts on this topic:

The Only Guilt (Annery at Home)
The Double Edged Knife: Guilt and the Small Family (Molly Makes Do)
Benefits of Larger Child Spacing (One Catholic Mama)

And while youre at it, read the beautiful post Molly just wrote On Miscarriage and Mordor (you dont have to be a Tolkien fan to appreciate it, but it certainly helps).

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