pregnancy weight loss last month | Pregnancy After Loss Yes I am

pregnancy weight loss last month

We planned to wait to share our newest pregnancy until after we saw a heartbeat. And if there was no heartbeat, we were just going to to keep it to ourselves. The public nature of our losses has been difficult. But I started bleeding heavily on Thursday at five and a half weeks pregnant and I felt like we could use some prayers. So we shared widely and requested prayers, so I might as well share the news here as well. The bleeding has since stopped and we went in for an ultrasound which revealed that the gestational sac was still there and measuring correctly. Its too early to see a baby or heartbeat, but the news is reassuring so far and were grateful my doctor didnt think I was a complete nut (or if he did think so, he humored me anyway) and had us come in to take a peek.

I really pride myself on not being crazy or over reacting during pregnancy. Im not a worrier by nature and while Im often a pessimist, I dont tend to let fears get to me. In truth, when I get a positive pregnancy test, I expect a miscarriage withing two months and not a baby in nine, but I other than contacting my doctor and taking what precautions we can, I acknowledge that if we are going to miscarry there isnt a whole lot we can do about it. But Ive never experienced bleeding in pregnancy like this before and it was the uncertainty that was killing me. If we miscarried, fine - wed get through it. But I just needed to know if we had or not. Had I bled like this before my first miscarriage, I doubt would have called the doctor at all. I know that some bleeding, even heavy bleeding can occur in a normal and healthy pregnancy. But this time, I found myself freaking out for the first time, calling my doctor several times, begging to go in for an ultrasound (lest you think my doctor is heartless, he very well may have agreed to an ultrasound without begging but because I didnt get a hold of him, I was begging over voice mail). I felt desperate and then very foolish for letting my thoughts spiral like that. I hate that my losses have robbed me of my ability to be joyful, relaxed, and even sane during a pregnancy.

Seeing the sac is no guarantee that this pregnancy is healthy. In fact, in three of my four pregnancies, it wasnt until after this point that something was noticeably wrong - the sac grew just fine, but a baby or heartbeat never materialized (in the remaining miscarriage, we lost the baby before this point).  I know not to get my hopes up until we see a heartbeat in a couple weeks, and I assume that even if we do see a heartbeat, Ill probably not fully relax until the baby is born. Even though Ive only had first trimester losses, Im much more aware of loss in general now. I go to a support group in which the majority of mothers had full term losses. (Ill admit to often feeling out of place as the only or one of the only women with first trimester losses at the meetings. Why arent there more? Am I the only woman with early losses who cant just "get over" them and move on? Do these women who lost their full term babies think Im ridiculous for mourning over my early miscarriages?) Anyway, I know those things happen and the fact that they are rare doesnt exactly make me any more comfortable. Even if something only happens to one in a billion, there is no guarantee that the one is not me. After all, its pretty rare to have as many miscarriages in a row as I have, and here I am. Anyone can be a statistic, you know? 

But here is the thing: Im feeling a bit guilty because there was a part of me that wished that I had just miscarried. Not because I want the baby to die - I dont! My most ardent wish is to have a living child! And not just any living child, but this one! This irreplaceable soul who I already love so much and who is a unique and important member of our family. But there is a part of me that feels like miscarriage is inevitable, 100% certain. So if its going to happen, Id rather just have it happen, you know? So I can start healing.  So we can try again.  Its crazy! Who thinks like that?

I really wish there were some better resources out there for pregnancy after loss. There ARE several, of course, but they tend to be based on the fact that you wont miscarry again. There is maybe a page or two on "if you miscarry again". Which makes sense, because its actually pretty rare to have two in a row much less double that. But for women like me, in which miscarriage is the rule and not the exception, I sometimes just want to have someone acknowledge that yes, I may miscarry again. There may not be a "happy ending" in store for this pregnancy. But that it will be okay anyway. That Ill survive.

Anyway, enough rambling. For all of you that are struggling to conceive or who are awaiting your pregnancy after loss, know that I am praying for you.  God bless.

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weight loss last weeks of pregnancy | Its ok to enjoy the benefits of small families

weight loss last weeks of pregnancy

Ive noticed in Catholic circles that no one ever wants to acknowledge that there are advantages to small families (or disadvantages to large ones). I cant tell you how many Catholic articles or blog posts Ive read that have talked about the advantages of big families or siblings. I think these are beautiful, important, and very needed. But, on the other hand, there is not a single one Ive come across written from a Catholic perspective that talks about the advantages of small families or only children (or families that consist of husband and wife).

Perhaps this is because its assumed that our culture lauds small families and only children (or no children) so there doesnt have to be a Catholic voice for this. But from my experience, the secular articles and posts on the benefits of small families are anything but comforting to a Catholic mother. Inherent in those articles is the understanding that small families are superior, responsible, environmentally-friendly, etc. The overall tone seems to be anti-life and selfish; children are depicted  as commodities to be obtained and enjoyed - thus, having one or two makes them easier to fit into a life full of other, equally important pursuits (career, travel, intellectual advancement, physical perfection, hobbies, etc.) To be lauded for something that is anathema to my beliefs is like a knife to the heart. Im not "choosing" a small family in order to be a good citizen in the culture of death and self-absorption.

I think there is this fear that if we talk about the positives of small families (or the negatives of big ones) that well be promoting this mentality that elevates the small family for selfish reasons, and therefore will be steering Catholics away from being open to life or Gods plan for our families. Instead, it alienates Catholic parents with small families and puts pressure on large families to always seem perfect. Of course, there are advantages and disadvantages to both small and large families (and medium size, too) and denying that fact makes Catholics seem out of touch with reality.

Recently Ive noticed that at church or other Catholic events, its extremely rare for us to be told we have a "beautiful family". Extremely rare. And yet the large families all around us hear it several times each Sunday. Im not sure exactly why that is. I have a handsome husband and adorable daughter and more than that, I think we radiate the joyfulness of Christ and family life. But were a small family. We dont fit into the Catholic ideal.

I yearn for a large family. Not because its perfect or I idealize it, but because I love children and love being a mother and because I believe that the joy additional children bring to a family is always worth the added difficulties. In addition to joy, it seems that there are also some very practical benefits to having more children. But since I have a small family (and perhaps always will) I want to stop being afraid to talk openly about (or feel guilty about having) the practical benefits of a small family.

So Ill say it: Having one living child makes many things easier. I have more time to rest, more time with my husband, more time for hobbies, more one-on-one time with my daughter. We have more money and less material needs. We can get by with a smaller apartment, a smaller kitchen table, and smaller car. We can get out of the door faster and travel easier. And its ok if I enjoy these advantages.

Because Im sure that while they are struggling with all the difficulties of having a large family, the moms of many are enjoying the blessings of their extra children. There is no need for me to be a martyr by suffering the pain of secondary infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss AND feeling guilty/unable to enjoy the advantages that come with my small family.

My family is small but beautiful. We may not have many children but we have more time and resources to spend on the one beautiful blessing we do have. Im not ashamed of our small family and Im not guilty that I have many things "easier" than moms of many. They have the blessings of their many children and I have other blessings that, while I dont think are equal in value because what can even approach the value of a human life???, I can certainly appreciate and enjoy.

Other, even better blog posts on this topic:

The Only Guilt (Annery at Home)
The Double Edged Knife: Guilt and the Small Family (Molly Makes Do)
Benefits of Larger Child Spacing (One Catholic Mama)

And while youre at it, read the beautiful post Molly just wrote On Miscarriage and Mordor (you dont have to be a Tolkien fan to appreciate it, but it certainly helps).

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